13 Anti-Valentine’s Day Songs

February 12, 2014 by AltPress

13 Anti-Valentine’s Day Songs

SHELLAC - "Prayer To God"

Why swing a hatchet into an ex-lover's brainpan when you canpray to the Almighty to do it for you? On this two-and-a-half minute primal therapy session, serrated-edge rockers Shellac deliver a minimal yet highly effective request to a higher power. Vocalist/guitarist Steve Albini makes a request that God kill off a former lover, tenderly suggesting she gets mortally wounded "to the base of her neck where her necklaces close/Where her garments come together/Where I used to lay my face." Then he repeats the directive on how to dispatch her new man into the next world, sounding like a voice-memo reminder service serial criminals use. The mantra gradually grows more deranged and then plateaus, as if the singer's talked it out and the feeling has passed. Or has it?—Jason Pettigrew

SIG TRANSIT GLORIA - “Chapter One (Please Die Valentine)

The song title kind of gives it away, but this slab of heavily Get Up Kids-influenced turn-of-the-century emo-pop is a particularly nasty sendoff to a former belle. You can practically hear vocalist/guitarist Nate Hanyzewski get on his knees and plead,"Please die, please die, please die, please die" for a solid 60 seconds starting right around the three-minute mark–and it never gets old.—Scott Heisel


Feeling a little trapped in your relationship this Valentine’s Day? Maybe your friends are all buying the obligatory chocolate and roses for their significant others and you’re wondering why love is seeming more like an obligation than all those sappy love songs make it out to be. Well, fuzz doo-wop garage punk (with a little pop and California rock influences thrown in the mix) group Sleeping In The Aviary have quite the song for you. Caught in a relationship due to a seemingly unplanned pregnancy, if the woman didn’t know by the time the song was written that the relationship wasn’t going to work out, lead singer Elliott Kozel made himself clear in “Lanugo,” by repeatedly exclaiming “I don’t love you as I should love you now!” So, while you maybe shouldn’t play this song to anyone else for fear of the retribution that is sure to come your way from shattering a person’s heart less than a week before Valentine’s Day, “Lanugo” can be that song that you secretly play alone in your room. Oh, and in case you were wondering (because I certainly was), “lanugo” is the soft, fine hair that is found on the body of a fetus or newborn baby.—Mamie Silver


This track puts being burned by a cheater into words by taking listeners to the beginning of the doomed relationship and progressing to the ultimate ending. Nothing screams anti-Valentine's Day more than saying sayonara to a bad relationship with "if you can't hang then, there's the door, baby."—Michele Bird

SLIPKNOT – “Vermillion”

Why get sad about your ex on Valentine’s Day when you can just go completely insane instead? Take a dive into Slipknot’s “Vermillion,” and let all your lovelorn blues give way to rage, mania and stalker tendencies. “She’s the only one that makes me sad,” Cory Taylor practically chokes as he screams about his “Dahlia” (the best nickname for a lover), who’s “bathed in possession” (totally not creepy). If being a screaming stalker isn’t for you, the song offers another important Valentine’s Day survival strategy: Deny that your ex ever existed at all! Taylor screams, “She isn’t real!/I can’t make her real!” And if all else fails, just follow Taylor’s example of hopelessly reassuring (i.e. lying to) yourself that everything will be okay: “I won’t let this build up inside of me/I won’t let this build up inside of me/I won’t let this build up inside of me/I won’t let this build up inside of me.” Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone.—Matt Crane


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