So far, we’ve witnessed a lot of plot-building that has raised endless questions. On more than one occasion, those questions have begun with “what” and ended with an expletive. I’ve become so invested in these videos that I quite literally find myself yelling at my computer every time a new one comes out.
So, I’m putting the first five segments of the Chronicles in storyline order and highlighting some of the massive double-you tee effs they better answer soon.
WHAT’S IN THAT BRIEFCASE?
This is the crucial question that likely holds the key to all the other “WTF?”s we’ve had along the way, and when you take the series and put it in chronological order, it’s the first thing you see, so it’s also super-easy to forget you ever saw it in the first place. Here’s a refresher: All of their woes begin when FOB acquire this glowy suitcase that makes them all giddy, nervous and mischievous head-nod-y when they open it. They promptly chain it to Patrick’s wrist, and they’re off…
WHY WOULD YOU WALK WITH THAT?
Ugh. It’s like yelling at the imbecile who goes in the basement in a horror movie when you see P. Stump with this obviously valuable briefcase chained to himself strutting the streets in broad daylight. Really? We already know you’re doomed. Bye, Patrick. Unless you’re baiting them. Are you baiting “them?”
WHO ARE THEY ANYWAY?
This organization employs beautiful henchwomen and children, and they’re all out to get this one specific band. Why kind of sick operation sends children to deliver severed hands to people in grocery bags, anyway?
WHY IS PETE SO NONCHALANT ABOUT THAT SEVERED HAND ON HIS DOORSTEP?
Chalk it up to bad acting or what-have-you, but Pete. Dude. That is a severed hand on your doorstep. Moreover, it’s a severed hand you recognize because your band’s logo is on it. Does this happen to you frequently?
WHY THE TORTURE?
Okay, crazy ladies. You have the briefcase. Why are you going Hostel on Patrick? Is that necessary?
IS THAT A MESSENGER FALCON?
In the time you were out summoning your avian super-companion, you could have called up your dudes and warned them what was afoot, like, 30 times. Hey, young blood. I don’t know if you know this, but your time definitely is running out.
AND IS A MESSENGER FALCON REALLY THAT DISTRACTING?
Come on, Andy and Joe: You really didn’t notice that van approaching and those scary ladies creeping up behind you? You were really that focused on the damn bird? So, distracted, in fact, that it makes one wonder if you’re even familiar with the bird anyway or if the distraction was Pete’s goal all along. Between that and the calm reaction to that hand…
WHY IS THIS EVOKING CONSPIRACY THEORIES?
What rhymes with “hug me?” If your answer is “That bitch just drugged Pete,” you are correct. The bird distracted him, too (we suspect the messenger falcon was working for the enemy, not our fearless bassist.)