Even though it’s totally punk-rock to not care about what you wear, let’s be honest: Everyone cares. And just like the rest of the world, this music scene isn’t immune to terrible fashion trends. Let’s examine some of the worst offenders, shall we?
1. Plaid mini skirts
I know I’m going to piss off hundreds of girls and creepy, middle-age men. (I’ve already angered our web editor, Cassie Whitt, who threatened to buy 12 plaid skirts, each in a different color, and wear one whenever she sees me.) Listen, I love me some plaid, but this trend is tired. As soon as Britney Spears channeled her inner Catholic-school-girl-gone-bad in “…Baby One More Time,” it was all downhill. This trend no longer belongs exclusively to the punks, but it’s time all of us retire it.
2. Animal tails
I don’t know who invented this trend that has overtaken Warped Tour, but I’ve got a few words for him/her: What the hell were you thinking? The only thing that separates us from the animals is our sense of style, so why would you want to look like an animal? Also, have you ever noticed that these tails are always in the most obnoxious colors? [see neon entry] If animals could talk, well, they wouldn’t because they’d be too busy laughing and pointing at that hot pink thing clipped to the back of your jeans.
3. Sexist T-shirts
Sexism is, like, so ’90s—as in 1890s. Band T-shirts that insult women are so rampant now, most people wearing them don’t even realize how much it makes them look like insensitive, sexist pigs. Ask yourself, would my mother approve of this? If the answer is no, change shirts. Pro tip: I don’t care how cool your mom is, a shirt that says “I will fuck your bitch right in front of you” isn’t getting past anyone’s mother.
4. Beanies in 90-degree heat
Although this trend didn’t start in our scene (I’m lookin’ at you Pitchfork-reading, Black Keys-listening hipsters), it has been adopted by punk rock, emo, hardcore, metalcore and all the other cores. I thoroughly support the wearing of beanies in knit-hat-appropriate weather, but Warped Tour in Phoenix, Arizona, is not an appropriate time to wear a glorified slipper sock on your head. Unless you enjoy the feeling of sweat running down between your eye and nose.
I’m sorry, were you saying something? I was too distracted by your blinding, neon yellow track jacket. Also, why on Earth are you wearing a track jacket? You’re not Jonathan Davis, are you?
6. Extreme cut-offs
Let’s all take a moment of silence to remember all the pairs of jeans that were sacrificed in the name of barely there cut-offs. Extreme cut-offs pose a variety of problems: chaffing, uncomfortable sunburns if sunscreen isn’t applied diligently, the potential for wedgies, that awkward moment when you sit down and your ass has direct contact with the chair, being mistaken for a crazy person who doesn’t realize her derrière is on display. Sometimes in fashion you have to make sacrifices for the greater good—or outfit. This is not one of those times. Put down the scissors, step away from the jeans, and go buy some real shorts.
Seriously, wash your shit—that includes your clothes and yourself.