Talking Doll

What follows is a piece of hate mail sent to the AP Skyscrapers. We get a couple of these kinds of emails every month, usually from people who think we suck because we a) make fun of Nickelback, b) refuse to cover the Red Hot Chili Peppers or c) refuse to put some obscure local hardcore band on the cover because nobody outside of said band's zip code has heard of them. All of the bolded text is left the way we received it, because I didn't feel like polishing some ranter's turds. I only diluted the f-bombs to avoid those internet safety filters.

Dear [NAME WITHHELD]:
Hope you are well. I've just been forwarded your letter about the latest issue of ALTERNATIVE PRESS. In an effort to build a sincere dialog with understanding and tolerance toward people, I have responded to various points of your letter.

Dear Alternative Press,
I've been less than satisfied with my AP subscription as of late, and flipping through a library of back issues, I can't help but wonder how you went from featuring bands with musical integrity like Nine Inch Nails and Smashing Pumpkins to becoming a tabloid for MySpace fad artists.

You have an interesting name. It sounds like your parents were hip liberal college professors whose area of expertise was anthropology or some kind of ethnic study. Perhaps they run casinos out west, or maybe just clean the hotel rooms there. Offended? Well, some of your generalizations are offensive, as well. I only bring this up because I remember when bands like NIN and the Pumpkins were tarred with the same "fad band" epithet. Why didn't you mention, say, Kitchens of Distinction or My Bloody Valentine, bands we slapped on the cover that conjured similar hate mail to yours, along the lines of "Way to go with the EuroTrash, AP. You suck." Other fads we've covered include bogus swing, bogus industrial rock, and the plain bogus. Hindsight has taught us the passage of time is crucial to determining an item's worth.

You're massaging the egos of everyone that wants their fifteen minutes of fame, and all with a "we're bringing YOU the EXCLUSIVE!" attitude. Remember your cover on Underoath a year or so ago? You portrayed a band in shambles, torn over a mysterious "occurrence" that left them all "so-so" about their precious musical future. And what about your story on From First to Last in mid 2006, when you couldn't resist giving an ex-bassist a side column to dish about how terrible and dramatic his departure was? What about the Cute is What we Aim For feature a month or so ago where the band was going ape shit over conflicting lyrics? If I wanted a play by play of gossip I'd look not further than their MySpace pages -- but when I open a magazine supposedly dedicated to the alternative music scene, I'm looking for something a little dare I say "deeper" than the who's-f##king-with-who bull shit you're so keen on printing lately.

Thanks to the proliferation of the Internet, file-sharing services and social networking sites, people have the power to call up music immediately. The need for a critical gatekeeper is seen as completely unnecessary. So now that you've already heard the new Nine Inch Nails disc, it's redundant to sell the world on that fabulous Ondes Martenot solo on track six. "I already know that," readers respond. "Tell me some shit I don't know." You tell me: Why did every story I read about Trent Reznor's "comeback" focus on his dalliances with chemical dependency? If these young people want to tell their story in front of an operating tape recorder, that's their choice. You act like AP single-handedly created the "Dear Diary" stand at the MySpace service plaza on the information superhighway. Wise up, sucker.

If I hear one more mullet bearing nineteen year old tell me he and his "band" have "credibility" I'm going to flip out! I'm having a hard time differentiating between the artists you chose to spotlight anymore! What happened to covers adorned with Shirley Manson, The Cure, Marilyn Manson, Ministry, Korn, Tori Amos, Rancid... do you see the diversity there? Now your most diverse cover is f##king Cobra Starship! I don't think you even REVIEWED the latest discs from the artists I've mentioned! What gives?! Are you so concerned with appeal that you're going to leave your lifetime readers in the dust?

I would say our most diverse cover this year was our anniversary issue with Fugazi and Bikini Kill front and center. The above paragraph is tragic because it says more about your inability to use a calendar than it does AP's current focus. If you would've namechecked Jesu, These New Puritans, Coh, Ceremony, KTL and/or Duchess Says, you would have demonstrated a genuine knowledge of new outfits doing interesting things and displayed high-level aesthetic superiority over us that might actually make you fun to hang with. Instead you watch Lifetime TV. Have a pint of Ben & Jerry's and don't forget to wring out your pillowcase.

But lets move on, shall we? How about your blatant promotion of stimulants? That's right. I'm talking about page 72 of the September 08 issue, baby. You promote "Focuset" as a must-have back to school "necessity." Um... can you say expulsion? I'm guessing your target audience is about fifteen... will they even sell that shit to minors? The fact that you would even ALLUDE to "curing" a wandering brain with self-prescription (oh, I'm sorry, I meant "dietary supplement") is so f##king ludicrous I had to do a triple take. Do you know roughly how many people a year become addicted to "big kid" stimulants like Adderal, just a hair away from this Focuset. How about how many people are left dependent on medication even after they finish school? So how dare you, a magazine that may be influential to young readers, suggest that students tinker with their fragile brain chemistry?!

Dr. Timothy Leary, Ken Kesey, Kurt Cobain, Krissy Taylor, Rush Limbaugh and Marion Jones were all unavailable for comment.

And on the subject of drugs, lets flip on over to page 32... you're beyond ridiculous "Poll." I don't really care what your own opinions are, but look at the ridiculous ones you chose to print! "You'd have to smoke your body weight in pot to do any real damage," says Alyssa Bach. Right, Alyssa, which is why people die every year from drug related accidents or overdoses! Smart girl!!! How about Elissa Dewey, who argues that "It hasn't killed anyone directly." Um... need I elaborate? "You never hear about pot-related accidents like you do with alcohol," Allison Evans protests. Anyone see the news two years ago when Nicole Richie paired pot and painkillers and ended up driving on the wrong side of the road? And that's just a HIGH PROFILE example! Anyways, another bull shit article. High five.

The AP Poll is a compilation of responses to a question we post online. Apparently it's not "bull shit," if people on both sides of the argument respond to it, including you, Fallopia. I would like to remind you that there is not one sentence on that page that reads ALTERNATIVE PRESS WANTS ALL OF THEIR READERS TO TOKE UP AS SOON AND AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE. SMOKE 'EM IF YOU GOT 'EM, BITCHES. These readers' attitudes toward drugs are shaped by forces much greater than a midwest music magazine. I do appreciate your endorsement though, no matter how erratic.

This last comment has nothing really to do with you. I actually don't blame you for this one at all. Wil Francis. However the f##k he spells it. I think the only thing he's ever actually said is "I don't care what people think." Ok, Wil, tell us more! "This records really DARRRKK and all about all the DRUGS I DID and all the FAMOUS PEOPLE I WANNA F##KIN MURDERRR and EVERYONES GONNA HATE IT but I don't give a SHIITT because we're not like AFI at all we just wear the same make up..." I laugh every time I see his pathetic wanna-be goth pout. But that's just a side note.

Well, thanks for sharing. Unlike your need to inform me about your pressing issues as culture policeman, I'll spare you my assessment of everything from venture capitalists who deal in oil futures to the quality of beefsteak tomatoes in Ohio.

KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK AP!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR MY F##KING SUBSCRIPTION TO END!! MAYBE I'LL SELL IT TO A SCENE GIRL AT A CHIODOS SHOW ALONG WITH MY SISTERS ADDERAL SCRIPT!!!!

Or you could cancel and take the cash difference to buy more pills for your sister. Which, by the virtue of being a blood relative to you, she obviously needs.

Death may be your Santa Claus,
Jason Pettigrew
ALTERNATIVE PRESS


XOXO
LOVE
[NAME WITHHELD]
P.S. Did "Kelsey and the Chaos" make you pee your pants too? I can't believe you LET them print that ad! D-E-S-P-E-R-A-T-E!

We made sure the word "ADVERTISEMENT" was placed at the bottom of the ad. Bitching in an email is free; writers, photographers and printers need paid.

P.S.S. I missed a Lifetime movie to write you this shit. Muah. <3

PPS. Seems like you missed a lifetime, period. At least you saved me from creating a whole new blog entry, so thank you for that.