Holiday Head

Christmas is the time of year when I'm willing to give a pass to the most annoying carbon-based lifeforms imaginable. Really. Elderly driver with out-of-state plates taking his half of the road out of the middle? Damn, look at the grandad go! Middle-aged, two-toothed, white-trash guy in a battery acid-spattered White Zombie shirt tryin' t' buy smokes with an expired money order in the express lane of my grocery store? "Gums" the word, dude! SUV driver with TWO McCain/Palin bumper stickers flipping me off and passing me on the highway because I choose to do 70 in a 60 mph zone and I'm simply not moving fast enough? You betcha! It's the most wonderful time of the year!

One of my fave TV shows is House, M.D. For those unfamiliar with the program, Hugh Laurie plays Dr. Gregory House, a self-centered, misanthropic doctor who is a genius diagnostician. That's all you really need to know. To me, the best parts of the show are those times when House has to do clinic duty and he helps regular Joes and Janes with their problems--right after he belittles and humiliates them. On the last episode I saw, he makes a young chastity-obsessed couple wait six hours in an exam room while he runs tests and produces x-rays that prove the girl has, in fact, developed a pregnancy via virgin birth. By the end of the show, he lets it drop to the hospital chief that it was all a ruse, the dude's "soulmate" is merely a dirty whore, but House let it slide because, hey, it's Christmas!

So in the spirit of Dr. House, here are some people who wrote some hate mail to AP who I'm not going to respond to personally. Nobody wants to get hate-flamed over the holidays--it just wouldn't be right. Which is why I'm responding to them here, for your entertainment.

I can usually count on AP to keep up with my favorite bands, but for the past few months I've been kinda disappointed. I understand that in the past few years they wouldn't get much publicity here in the states, but Tokio Hotel has gotten pretty huge in the past couple of months, if i do say so myself. I've seen not even a single review for the release of their Scream album in the states, much less an interview. I was really looking forward to the German band being featured in the Most Anticipated special, seeing as their new cd comes out next year. But, oh well, I guess reading teenie magazines is a sacrifice I'm going to have to make to see anything related to them in a glossy page of literature.--Joey from Pennsylvania

Joey: There's a guy who works in our building named Nick, but his buddies call him "Beppo." Beppo is grossly overweight, has a skin disorder that looks like impetigo and wears the same three t-shirts (Cleveland Browns, WMMS radio and a multi-stained plain white one). He says he hasn't experienced a woman's company for over 11 years. One day I saw him in the parking lot, and I read him your letter. He responded by laughing and saying, "Thanks, Jas. I feel pretty good about myself." Here's why.

I was beyond excited to see Say Anything and The Used in the Most Anticipated Albums of 2009 feature. What disappointed me, considering how much love and appreciation your magazine has showed the band in the past, was the omission of Motion City Soundtrack from the list. They're not the same gritty-sounding indie darlings I'm sure you were in love with when you featured them in 2007, but they've grown up and grown into their sound, and deserve to be recognized for that. Hopefully someday soon you'll open your obviously blinded eyes and realize that. --Jasmine from Colorado

Jasmine: Over the years, I've used plenty of terms to describe MCS (most of them positive), but "gritty sounding?" Maybe you're getting them confused with this band. Or maybe your parents are brother and sister. In that case, thanks for typing us with that arm protruding from your forehead.

I was very disappointed to see Green Day on the cover of January's issue. While Green Day used to be a great band, they have outlived their fame and people just need to move on. Green Day just isn't Green Day anymore. --Rick from Utah

Rick: I know it's rough when a band you've grown up listening to gains traction in the mainstream. You feel like you've lost something precious, that special entrance to a secret society that only you and handful of similar misfits know about. I bet seeing GD at Gilman Street was totally awesome. (I'm jealous, I never did.) I bet having them crash in your apartment when they were touring behind Kerplunk was a pivotal moment in your personal development in the understanding of underground art and culture. I know how empty you feel when you think something special has been lost. Hang on: It says here you're SEVENTEEN. You haven't experienced LIFE, let alone the multi-faceted career arc of one of the country's (hell, the WORLD's) most-respected bands. Do the right thing and fill out an organ donor card this very second. Now drive yourself to a teaching hospital, lie on a gurney, push yourself into a transplant demonstration and yell "I'm bored. Do you need any of these parts for anything?" at the top of your lungs.

I was excited to see a full page advertisement for the new I Set My Friends On Fire CD. With that said, I was completely shocked to read Phil Freeman's review saying the album should be "reduced to ashes." My main problem is the fact that the magazine as a company accepted the large amount of money it takes to get a full page advertisement and printed it in the same magazine they ripped the band a new one in. I know the magazine wants to make money, but don't promote bands in your magazine and accept their money, then turn around and do the complete opposite of what the advertisement was for and tell your readers the album was crap. This is hypocricy [sic] at its finest and it makes many readers like myself lose respect for your magazine. --Jared from Arizona

Jared, it's readers like you who make me want to pray that President-Elect Obama would reinstate mandatory military service for people your age. According to your twisted, mad-cow-disease-addled, liquified brain, any label or band or pierced-and-inked diaper-drinker with a trust fund (and an enormous sense of self-entitlement) should be able to BUY great reviews for their ill-conceived, puerile sonic dogshit. Did you intern at a Clear Channel-owned radio station? Is your father one of those CEOs who ran successful companies into the ground and got rewarded for it? Are you one of those dudes who demands his dates put out after you've paid for dinner and a movie? Actually, I bet you are none of those. You're probably just some unloved dude with soda-bottle thick glasses who's grown accustomed to being used as a urinal in your hometown. I know in my heart, Santa's gonna bring you a box of Wet Naps this year.

God bless us one and all. Happy Christmas, everyone!