The Ceremonial Clutching Of The Straws

So many bands! So many compact discs created in the proud spirit of DIY! Not enough landfills.

Not even the threat of ecological disaster will stop bands from doing anything they can to get you and me to listen to their lead singers duet with their adenoids at least once. Most of you have it a bit tougher. Tear-Stained Hanky will play the Goo Gone Stage at Warped for eight days, and their excitable bassist will spend his entire morning walking around the fest grounds trying to get you to buy his band's DIY five-song CD. Of course, dude won't take no for an answer unless you pull out a knife or kick him repeatedly in the nards until he stops moving. Multiply that experience by five bands, and by 4 in the afternoon, you're ready to toss infants into garbage trucks, strollers and all.

Here at AP, we get plenty of discs from bands looking for a teaspoon's worth of affirmation. Riding along in the package with their "bold musical concepts" is a short biography of the band. It has all the usual stuff: who are the members, where are they from, what they've accomplished thus far--stuff that makes sense within the context of what they are trying to achieve. It's just that some bands are so desperate to get you to pay attention to their disc that very moment, they will add the most ridiculous stuff in their bio. Every Time I Die referred to this phenomenon as "shinfo," short for "shitty information." Except ETID's casual shinfo is more interesting to me than a Bob Dylan bio-pic. (Sorry Rolling Stone readers. I do swear by Blonde On Blonde, though.)

So as a public service to all bands trying to get people to write about them, here's a short list of things that make me throw all the components of your press package into our recycling bin. Oh, and if some of you have hired publicists to work your project, you might want them to take notes as well, because I'm thinking most of these inanities have been perpetrated by them in order to make you think they know what they're doing. We'll use my favorite fictional band, the Dogcatchers, as an example.

MANUFACTURING AS TALKING POINT
Most recordings go through a process called mastering, which essentially means taking the audio recordings and transferring them onto physical acetates to produce copies, digital (CDs) or analog (vinyl), while keeping the quality of the recordings intact (removing unwanted distortion, minimizing surface noise, etc). A mastering engineer should have plenty of experience understanding various musical genres, as well as the technological expertise to render said genres in their most optimum form. Their work on your record is important; their resume on your bio, not so much. "The Dogcatchers' debut EP, Swooped Hair And Market Share, was mastered by Kasabo Milkshitz, who lent his considerable talents to records by Papa Roach, Cold and Foreigner's classic Head Games album." The band is a fifth-rate Motion City Soundtrack, but the crystal clarity of hearing the lead singer fall out of pitch is quite stunning.

THE STUDIO AS ANGLE
Recording studios have all kinds of clients, from hip-hop 'hood heroes "testin' dey mad skillz" to heartfelt singer-songwriters with "something to say" to dudes sworn to keep metal "real" to your inane metalcore band fronted by a pterodactyl in a Comeback Kid hoodie. So when the Dogcatchers entered Flaprag Studios, "a facility where classic albums by Lenny Kravitz, Barry Manilow and Hinder were recorded," all it means to me is that the band members' parents have hooked their kids up with sweet-ass trust funds so they could follow their dream as the New Emo Monkees. Fifteen years ago, I watched a bunch of fratboys throw $20 bills at a middle-aged "featured dancer" with stretchmarks and some stomach moles needing immediate medical examination. Who do you think got more value for their outlay; Rex and Chet from Gamma Phucka Ducka or the Dogcatchers' guitarist "channeling" the aura of Lenny on his track "Girls Pants Make Me Dance?"

THE PARTICIPATION OF SOME DUDE WHO'S, LIKE, "A VETERAN"
The Dogcatchers wanted someone who understood exactly where they were coming from when it came to record their stentorian pop masterpiece, "(Mom Will) Always Love Me." So they called in Limp Bizkit drummer John Otto to oversee the creation of the ballad. In fact, his credit on the back of the disc--right above the UPC code--reads "PRODUCED BY JOHN OTTO OF LIMP BIZKIT." Really? What, not even Fred Durst was available to chug a case of PBR, belch and fart repeatedly before passing out 80 minutes into the session?

THE PARTICIPATION OF A NOBODY (aka MILKING A BRUSH WITH GREATNESS)
"The Dogcatchers worked closely with Essai Ratskanga, who was a consultant on the last Fall Out Boy album." Translation: Ratskanga filled up the soda machine in the studio where FOB were recording at the exact time, so Pete Wentz had a cold crisp Diet Pepsi every hour. Which admittedly, is worth a mention on the "thank you" list, but not on your bio, you fecking simps.

A GLOWING ENDORSEMENT FROM A SOURCE NOBODY HAS EVER HEARD OF, NOR ACTUALLY CARES ABOUT
"The Dogcatchers' Swooped Hair And Market Share is the boldest chapter to be written in the continuing evolution of music and recorded sound." --Amanda B. Reckonwith, Lung Cyst Gazette, Montana

"Much cuter than Plain White Ts and Boys Like Girls, but not as emo as Kevin Seconds." --amberalertportraiture.org

I'm pretty sure I'm missing several hundred other acts of desperation, but you get the idea. "Go to hell, you d-bag," I hear the guy in the Dogcatchers hoodie say. "How's my band 'posta get noticed by asshats like you, anyway?" I defer to the words of former AP editor dude Aaron Burgess. "Go out and make some quality noise; if it's good enough, we will hear about you."