Less Rock, More Litigation

Thank goodness we still have Papa Roach to kick around! Our fave rap-rock gibrones have cosmetically reinvented themselves as the leaders of a heavy-metal PTA meeting where moms push around IV trees connected to silicone shunts stabbed into their breasts, while the dads finally show up after unloading the beer trucks at the bars their bands play in for top pennies.

Not to kick a band on their way to the middle, but dammit, we almost lost them. Apparently, the band have settled their lawsuit with former drummer Dave Bruckner, who was ejected for a number reasons I could care less about. For the purpose of this blog, let's talk about Bruckner's lawsuit. He demanded not only a sizable chunk of the band's revenue (which is always expected), but he also wanted the band to break up permanently. Seriously. It's downright murderous in a if-I-can't-play-with-you-nobody-will kind of way, isn't it? If the band broke up, how would frontman Jacobi Shaddix pay his stylist from Jiffy-Lube? Could bassist Tobin Esperance justify attending personality-cultivation seminars? A world without P-Ro might trigger great anguish during midwest trailer-park meth-lab conventions.

Can you imagine what legal ramifications Bruckner v. Papa Roach could have triggered had the drummer won? Just like all of the dimbulbs who filed class action suits after being duped by performers, there could have been some full-on legal precedents for securing fans' rights. So if you're an ambitious attorney in need of having your next exotic vacation underwritten for dubious directives, below are some possible cash cows.

BRING ME THE HORIZON v. BRITISH FANS
Allegedly, Bring Me The Horizon cancelled some dates on the Kerrang Tour earlier this year because of frontman Oli Sykes' throat problems. We heard stories from our moles in the crowds that girls in attendance didn't care; they just wanted to see dreamboat Oli onstage. The dudes felt the same way--kinda. They wanted the band to come out and make a noise they could maim each other to and didn't give sweet FA whether Sykes was growling along.
POSSIBLE PLAINTIFF REWARD: Free access to BMTH gigs for the next two years or however long said fans' interest lasts.
POST-TRIAL RAMIFICATIONS: Drop Dead clothing CEO Sykes makes up shortfall by signing merch deals with buzzworthy bands opening free tour.

FOREVER THE SICKEST KIDS v. A BUNCH OF BANDS ON THE SOUNDWAVE BILL
A whole bunch of bands who appeared at this recent Australian festival wanted to put the beatdown on various members of the Dallas loop-pop contingent. A representative from the implied plaintiffs told AP that the boys were big on ego and waaaay short on talent. The representative spoke on condition of anonymity because everybody involved loathed them so much, they didn't want to help perpetuate FTSK's "legend in their own hive-mind."
POSSIBLE PLAINTIFF REWARD: FTSK surrenders revenue from Soundwave gig to a fund overseen by annoyed bands' representatives. Money accrued would be used to fund a school based in non-computer-based music education.
POST-TRIAL RAMIFICATIONS: Band develops a sense of humility while working on second record in an attempt to desperately appease inevitably fickle fans.

BROKENCYDE v. THE UNITED STATES
These lead-paint chip eaters are trying to make bank selling their hideous autism-crunk to the children of parents going to this year's Cruefest. Defendants insult music fans, as well as aquatic shellfish with greater intelligence capacity than band's fans.
POSSIBLE PLAINTIFF REWARD: Band forced to dissolve, thereby making it safe for fans to show up early at shows to see worthy opening acts.
POST-TRIAL RAMIFICATIONS: A good fecking start. Remember the Obama rallying cry: Yes, we can.