(H)A(te) List Celebrity

Reading face-in-sphincter posts by anonymous, dullard haters on the interweb is a waste of time. Now, if you're like me and you want some real entertainment, follow well-known folks who make their disdain for others public. Trent Reznor's Twitter-dis on Chris Cornell's latest disc inspired the best online April Fool's joke in a long time. Senses Fail's chief wiseguy Buddy Nielsen made his hatred of autism-crunk stuporstars (and tourmates) Brokencyde public to the applause of many. Recently, Underoath's fearless guitarist Tim McTague told a British rock mag that he thought Avenged Sevenfold were all kindsa lame. This is way more fun that reading missives from nouns with screen names like "Matsfan," "Matt Ramone" and "ArielleOfTheREL" who have the intellectual capacity of plankton. (Of course, we're talking rock music here, so the "intellectual capacity" concept I'm bringing up is dodgy to begin with.)

Granted, the hip hop community has made the concept of beef-keeping mandatory. Thing is, the disses are never as creative as the stuff you see on interviews before commercials during WWF matches. And reading the babble of anonymous posters is about as awe-inspiring as raking leaves. It's like the mailman running into me while I'm walking my dogs and telling me my coat is ugly: And his point is...?

Now when someone of reputable note decides he's going to drop science on a similarly public person, that shows some character. First, with the internet, the commentary will inevitably go viral, to the amassed cries of "No, he di'n't!" Second, it's obvious the blame-thrower is gearing up for a rebuttal. Third, the whole cycle is then reflected upon by the earth, after measuring the comments of the dueling parties. (As in, "Dude, that response was lame," "Pwned!" or "Meeeeeeeoooooowwwww!") But since it's all played out in public--by participants who know how to stir the fecal stew, so to speak--it's positively glorious.

Why? Well, for purposes of the Scene As We Know It®, such exchanges go far to incinerate any kind of delusions fans/listeners may have of a "punk utopia" where everyone loooooves each other and everything's cool. I've been in enough dressing rooms and backstage hangs to tell you how many bands compare everything from touring and press opportunities to the quality of their riders with their alleged bros. "How did THOSE DICKS get Leno? How did THEY get the cover of AP?" "Why is THAT guy schtupping my ex who told me she was entering the convent before I got back from Warped?" Hey, I love Every Time I Die, but nothing would make me smile for consecutive days (well, barring a weekend with Christina Hendricks at the Paramount Hotel) if, say, one of those myriad screamo bands with more than 2500 MySpace friends decided to publicly dis on ETID. Can you imagine the mother of all cauterizing retorts Keith Buckley would fire back? Damn, that's better than this season of House M.D.--and that's pretty fecking sublime.

So come on, bands! Turn this shit upside down! Wil Francis: Tell us whose merch guy needs a big old pentagram burned into his chest for being intolerant of non-Christians! Hey Gerard Way, who was that dickhead you got into a sold-out My Chem gig who later spent the night signing autographs for everyone backstage? Attention all bands far and wide: Tell us what you REALLY think of Jared Leto! The world is a much better place when guys with guitars duke it out, because it helps stem interest in the influx of useless opinions from faceless nobodies needing to be heard. Really. Come on, folks: Do you think anyone gives a molecule of spit about MY personal shitlist?