THE WAAHMBULANCE by JASON PETTIGREW

JOHNNY DEPP, YOUR HARD DRIVE & ME

A few weeks ago, I went to see Public Enemies, the crime drama film starring Johnny Depp as the legendary John Dillinger, America's bank-robbing folk hero, public enemy No. 1 and poster boy for all things (allegedly) evil in 1930s America. There have been plenty of mixed reviews about the movie, but I enjoyed seeing Depp and Christian Bale as these vicious mortal combatants who have their own take on what they feel is morally just. But I'm not here to give you my incisive thoughts on a major motion picture. I didn't go to film school (like this dude) so I'm not going to front on my personal bold new visionin cinema. No, I'm going to tell you about my hate/love relationship with Johnny Depp.

Truth be told, I have never met, nor have ever been in the same restaurant, theater, shooting range, opium den, bake sale, craft show or church bazaar at the same time as Depp during my tenure on the planet. I do know that the first time I ever saw him professionally, I wanted to douse him in turpentine and roast marshmallows over his carcass. Yep, it was the late-'80s, and everyone I was working with at the dreaded mall record store was raving about the dreamy dude who played detective Tom Hanson on the FOX television series 21 Jump Street. I watched one episode to see what the panty-moistening fuss was about, and by the end of it, I cursed the gods for making me lose an hour of my life I would rather have spent cleaning litter boxes with my hair. If I had created a drinking game in which I would down a shot every time I wanted to slap that unctuous prick in the face with a piece of garden hose packed with sand, I would've broken John Bonham's record for vodka consumption.

When Jump Street got the axe, I couldn't have cared less. And when Depp made the jump to motion pictures, I cringed. But when Edward Scissorhands came out a few years later, I was impressed as hell. In the last 20 years, Depp has created characters in classic vehicles that have been joyful, insane and compelling. And yes, he's probably one of a handful of guys that sexually frustrated moms and their coming-of-age daughters can unhealthily bond over. "You dottering d-nozzle," I hear you sigh. "What's this got to do with anything in my world? Captain Jack Sparrow for the win, whatever."

Some of you are well aware of how the AP editors are always slamming each other's musical tastes (publicly exemplified by Scott and I on episodes of The AP Show podcast). So it was as if the planets aligned when we all agreed that Taking Back Sunday's New Again was one of the best records of the year, hands down. After we did the cover, we got a fair share of hate mail from assorted phucktards saying it wasn't as good as their first album and both TBS and AP have totally lost it blah, fugging blah. And all I could think of was what may have happened had Depp decided to stay on Jump Street solely to make bank and wring any sense of credibility out of his life just so frumpy housewives and their unattractive children could watch something on TV while eating shoebox-sized containers of Reese's Pieces. There would be no Jack Sparrow, Wade Walker, Roux or Willy Wonka. No stellar adaptations of Hunter S. Thompson or John Dillinger. Just that gay-prostitute-looking prick Tom Hanson.

I have heard the impending releases by Thrice and Brand New. Barring detailed reviews, I can tell you both albums are polarizing and pretty damned great. They are records that have been created solely by the virtue of what was going on in each band members' respective minds and their interpersonal connections with each other, and nothing to do with achieving huge SoundScan numbers, getting on good tours, securing numerous spins on radio stations, placing songs on episodes of Gossip Girl or reaffirming anybody's concept of what constitutes "the Scene." From what I've experienced by the TBS eye-rollers out there, both Beggars and Daisy are going to bodycheck some folks out of their comfort zones. I'll go as far as to say I'll probably never listen to The Illusion Of Safety, Tell All Your Friends or Deja Entendu again. It's a trend I can totally get behind. -- Jason Pettigrew

And now, an apology: On behalf of all the AP editors, I hereby apologize about all of us being incommunicado in the blogosphere. Between the 24th anniversary issue, the mini-mag project we worked on with RED Distribution, the Vans Warped Tour program, our 15th Anniversary of Warped issue and now the AP Fall Ball, we've been stressed 'n' strapped for time. I would like to personally give shout outs to Mike Usinger, Joe Milne, DX Ferris, Annie Zaleski and Twitter denizens Brad Perala and Brad Michelson for their words of interest, encouragement and threats to stick dynamite under my cellulite-laden carcass if I didn't start spewing again. Blame them. They're probably used to it.