stressed is the new black

So now that it's starting to feel like fall, I feel like it's time for the obligatory season change/wardrobe change. Although for me, this usually means just adding more layers. I have an equation in which a certain drop in degrees yields a fixed multiple of layers. Of course, this equation still doesn't have a Celsius convergence rate, so traveling can become complicated. I could in theory just step outside and if cold, put on more clothes, or if hot, take some off. It sounds so easy, doesn't it?

But this season, the hottest accessory will not be an ethnically-ambiguous scarf (is it a real keffiyeh? Is it an Urban Outfitters imitation keffiyeh? I can't be sure. Stayed tuned for Special Report: What Your Scarf Says About You.) nor will it be peep-toe ankle booties (apparently some women suffer from a condition in which their toes become disproportionately warmer than their ankles. I do not have said affliction so I will not wear said shoes. I don't wear a neck brace or diabetic socks just to be cute, why would this be any different?). No, this season, the accessory of choice is stress and it takes many, many forms:

On Monday, stressed could look mis-matched. And not the strangely cute, Carrie Bradshaw kind of mis-matched. We're talking homeless person mis-matched. Not that we can't all learn things from the homeless that can be incorporated into our everyday lives: fingerless gloves, for example, can be cute if not functional. And homeless people aren't content to just read the newspaper, they sleep with it as a blanket. I have to admire that dedication to literacy.

On Tuesday, stressed will be rat-nest hair. I mean, I'll try to save it, but all of the headbands and cute little clippies will only draw more attention to the disaster.

Wednesday, stress will be subtle but still present in the form of keys, cell phone, grande Starbucks latte, lip gloss and scarf all in one hand because I do not have time to put them all in my purse. This is what stress does to people. Looking too busy to possibly be bothered with putting the phone in the purse is tres chic this fall. Dig it.

By Thursday, stress will be going strong once again. Monday's jeans? Yep, they're back and no, they haven't been washed. And as for Wednesday's shirt, oh, it's still on. You just can't see it under the other three layers. Do I look like I had time to check the forecast? I had to be prepared for anything.

Sweet, sweet Friday. By this time, there is nothing to the ensemble that isn't fringed, beaded or beadazzled in stress. (That's a lie. I will never be stressed enough to beadazzle. But you never know, people do crazy things under pressure.) And yes, hoodies go with everything now. Everything.

Of course, now that the economy is tanking worse than Gigli, I feel like pretty soon we'll all be rocking "depression chic." More on that later.