Based On A True Story

Put Your Real Life On Pause: What ever happened to the after-school special? You know what I'm talking about, those corny movies that warned us about the dangers of drugs, eating disorders, wandering away from your mom at the mall and wearing leather jackets, and of course these made-for-TV-gems were always based on actual events to ensure they scared us straight. In that spirit, I bring you "Watch Me: Special Edition (The After-School Special Story)" and will recommend an after-school show to fill that void--and maybe even teach you something about life. Maybe.

Monday
The Darjeeling Limited (4:30 p.m. on Cinemax)
Look in the mirror, take off that leather jacket, and ask yourself when didn't you learn something from a Wes Anderson film? Yeah, that's what I thought.
(p.s. If you don't get Cinemax, you should totally Netflix this one)

Tuesday
The O.C. (3 p.m & 4 p.m. on Soap)
There is so much we can learn from the troubled characters of Orange County: drugs, lies, money, corruption, questionable fashion choices. Yep, Coop & Co. have it all.

Wednesday
The Skulls (3 p.m. on AMC)

College life is full of dangerous situations, not the least of which is sketchy food, but the horrors of cereal and wilty salad pale in comparison to membership in exclusive, and deadly, campus clubs (you should be all right with choir, but Paul Walker and Pacey make no promises).

Thursday
If Looks Could Kill: The John Hawkins Story (4 p.m. on LMN)

We found one! It's based a true story (it even says so in the title!) and it's about a drug dealer evading the law. The after-school special lives! (Well, sort of. I don't think there are any scenes on the soccer-field bleachers, which is an after-school special "must-have.")

Friday

20 Best And Worst Celebrity Plastic Surgeries (3 p.m. on E!)

Ignore the "bests," and just take the "worsts" as a warning. Nothing in life comes easy, except maybe on Deal Or No Deal.

And there you have it: All of life's major lessons in five days--and you don't even have to leave your couch. Do you have any after-school special memories, or life-lessons you'd like to share? Either make a made-for-TV movie about, or just leave it in the comments, depending on how ambitious you feel today. 

Brought To You By The Letter J

Put Your Real Life On Pause:

I'll be honest. I never watched Sesame Street. Even as I was looking for a Sesame Street photo for this blog, they freaked me out. The puppets are creepy and their voices are straight out of nightmares. That said, I know a lot of people grew up with Big Bird, Elmo and the like, so with that in mind, we're doing a TV lineup Sesame-style (well, it's brought you by letters. Like I said, I didn't watch the show.)

Monday (brought to you by the letter H!)
Watch It: House (8p.m. on FOX)
Not only will there be another diagnosis drama, but House is going to confront Foreman and Thirteen about their relationship. I'm not psychic, but I think there are going to be a lot of witty zingers involved.
DVR It: Heroes (9p.m. on NBC)
Gossip Girl is a rerun, might as well DVR Heroes this week.

Tuesday (Brought to you by the letter R! - as in "reruns" and "recession")
Now that 90210 episodes are all going to be repeats until March, I'm boycotting television on Tuesday. If you must watch something, watch Scrubs at 9 p.m. on ABC (but don't get your hopes up, it's a repeat too.) Don't these TV execs know anyway about economics? When times are bad, people want entertainment to keep their mind off it. Recession = Don't give us reruns.

Wednesday (Brought to you by the letter L!)
Watch It: Lost (9p.m. on ABC)
After all the time they spent trying to get off the island, now they try to get back on it? Gilligan & Co. would never put us through such drama.
DVR It: Law And Order (10p.m. on NBC)
Not only is the theme song fantastic (dom-dom, do-do-do-do-do), but it's a great show to watch a few days later.

Thursday (Brought to you by the letter S!)
Watch It: Survivor (8p.m. on CBS)
It has all the makings of a great season--if you haven't seen last week's episode yet, what are you waiting for? Get to Googlin'.
DVR It: Supernatural (9p.m. on CW)
A) I needed another show that started with an "S." B) It's all about metaphysical, supernatural stuff, which goes great with pizza rolls.


Friday (Brought to you by the letter D!)
Watch It: Dollhouse (9p.m. on FOX)

I've been hearing a lot about this show, but have yet to check it out. However, considering the sci-fi drama was created by the Joss Whedon (Buffy The Vampire Slayer, anyone?), I'm going to go out on a limb and give it a shot.
DVR It: Dog Whisperer (8p.m. on NGC)
Nothing says "Friday-night dance party" like exercise, obedience and affection. Where my pack leaders at?

Its Time

Watch Me: It's Time

It's only Monday and you already miss the weekend. Fear not: This week's lineup will have you saying, "What weekend?" And not in the literal, mild-concussion sense. This week, it's all about the OMG-factor. There are no runners-up in life, and hence there will be no runners-up on my list this week.

Put Your Real Life On Pause:


Survivor (8p.m. Thursday on CBS)

Thirty-seven (actually, 11) seasons in, and I still can't get enough of people starving to death, fighting over dry rice and playing ridiculous games in the jungle at the behest of Jeff Probst. Seriously, I've been watching Survivor since I was a freshman in high school. No joke. And look where it's gotten me. Yeah, start watching.

Think you can survive the rest of the week? Not without these you can't:


Monday

OMG-factor: Fashion Police (10 p.m. on E!) Who won the Grammys last night? You can find that anywhere. Who wore what to the Grammys? Now that's a topic for experts. While I fully expect to fully disagree with all of the opinions on this special-edition Fashion Police, I am fully convinvced it will be the best way to spend that hour of my life. Fully.

Tuesday

OMG-factor: Be My Valentine, Charlie Brown (8p.m. on ABC) Oh, what's that? You're too cool for Charlie Brown? Your loss, amigo. If there's one thing I love more than the overt commercialization of a holiday, is the addition of any and all Peanuts. In all honesty, it's the only Charlie Brown holiday special that I don't own on DVD, so you know I'll be watching.

Wednesday

OMG-factor: Lost (9p.m. on Wednesday) I know, I know, not really as shocking as the rest of the week, but Wednesday is a little slow. Somebody write me a new sitcom, or start filming a reality show for YouTube and send me the link on Wednesdays.

Thursday

OMG-factor: Sorry, Office, you've let me down two episodes in a row. I'm not mad, just disappointed. See above.

Friday

OMG-factor: Friday is a toss-up. There are all kinds of awkward, domestic arguments to be had with a new Wife Swap (8p.m. on ABC), but there's that 13-Fear Is Real show (9p.m. on the CW) that I've been meaning to laugh at. Screw it, I'm watching the Charlie Brown Valentine special again.

Until next week, keep your noses clean and don't wear high-waisted jeans, no matter what Jessica Simpson's stylist tells you.

Starting Now

Watch Me: Starting Now


Some people have dramatic, dangerous, hilarious lives. Other people just watch them on TV. If you're in the second category, you're in luck! I'll be here every Monday helping you plan your life. I'll tell you what to watch, when to watch it and why knee-high gladiator boots are a bad investment; Rest easy, I've got you covered.


Put Your Real Life On Pause:


This weekend are the historic and occasionally shocking Grammy awards. Will I watch it? Maybe. Will I scrutinize all of the outfits the next day on the internet? Absolutely.



What else is on this week?



MONDAY

WATCH: Heroes-new! (9 p.m. on NBC)

LEARN: Big Mac: Inside The McDonald's Empire (9 p.m. on CNBC)

DVR: Gossip Girl-new! (8 p.m. on CW)

Even though you might not really want to know where that Big Mac came from, the more you know, the less you'll want to super-size.



TUESDAY

WATCH: 90210-new! (8 p.m. on CW)

LEARN: Scrubs-new! (9 p.m. on ABC) What? You'll learn about medical things…

DVR: Fringe-new! (9 p.m. on FOX)

I might take some heat from Lost devotees for recommending 90210 over Fringe, but this is the episode where Adriana is going to confront (and reveal) her baby-daddy, and we learn if Ethan survived the car crash that Annie's phone call may or may not have caused. Sorry, J.J. Abrams, we've got real-world problems this week.



WEDNESDAY

WATCH: Lost-new! (9 p.m. on ABC)

LEARN: Killer Germs (10 p.m. on Discovery)

DVR: American Idol-new! (8 p.m. on Fox)

The people who watch Lost don't just "watch Lost": They discuss, theorize, hypothesize--often in very close range to people who don't watch or care about or acknowledge the existence of this supposed "Lost." So to the latter group of people: DVR the new American Idol not because we take it seriously, but because it's still early enough in the season that all of the hilariously awful singers are still on it.



THURSDAY

WATCH: The Office then 30 Rock-both new! (9 and 9:30 p.m., respectively, on NBC)

LEARN: Treasure Quest-new! (10 p.m. on Discovery)

DVR: Grey’s Anatomy-new! (9 p.m. on ABC)

After that hour-long episode following the Super Bowl, this episode of The Office has a lot to live up to. The good news: It's a new episode of The Office! The bad news: It's part of 1 of 2. Prepare now for the sigh of exasperation when the screen reads, “To be continued…�



FRIDAY

WATCH: Franz Ferdinand perform on Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson (12:30 a.m. on CBS)

LEARN: Man Vs. Wild (10 p.m. on Discovery)

DVR: Ghost Whisperer-new! (8 p.m. on CBS)

I can't be alone in this one: I love Ghost Whisperer for the plot, yes, but more so for Jennifer Love Hewitt’s over-the-top wardrobe. While only trained professionals should try to recreate the ensembles in their entirely, you could totally rock that long coat or empire-waist dress.



What am I forgetting? You know you know, now let me know!