Levels of unthinkable disgrace

There's been a lot of talk lately.

While, yes, it is true that I got a haircut, rumors have been swirling about the AP blogosphere with unsubstantiated claims that I bite (or have previously engaged in biting) the heads off of cats.

I didn't want to bring it up, but it all stemmed from a certain AP staffer being upset that my blog was the most read of all the blogs on this site. I was sort of surprised to find out that it was a competition and even more surprised to find out that I had won and even more, more surprised to find out that we were resorting to smear tactics.

I'd just like to respond to the flood of e-mails (three) I've received from readers who were concerned that I was eating cat(s).

This is the photo in question:


First of all, this picture is crazy old.

When this was taken, the following bands didn't exist yet: Panic At The Disco, Cobra Starship, Cute Is What We Aim For and (+44).

Don't believe me?


Please refer to the facts noted:



A: I still had guitars set up in a way that suggested I was actively attempting to convince myself that I could play guitar. Now I just have them set up in a way that is actively attempting to convince others that I can play guitar.

B: I still had longish hair. And my haircut was even brought up in the very blog that accused me of these heinous acts.

C: Look at those shoes. I've got a girlfriend now who would never put up with that kind of shit.

D: That's an Xbox controller. Not an Xbox 360 controller. Admittedly, I typically can't afford to keep up with breaking technology, but if I was still playing an old-school Xbox at this point, I might as well be playing a Sega Dreamcast or with a bunch of sticks I found in my parking lot.

And perhaps the best proof of all: A blurry, hastily taken photo of me and my cat from three minutes ago.



Please note:

A: My cat very much alive with her head intact.

B: Sleek new haircut.


So the moral of this story is not to believe everything you read in certain blogs that have stooped to levels of unthinkable disgrace.

Also, that particular staffer would like for you to believe that he is the savior of all puppies great and small because of this picture:





But the truth is that he severely Photoshopped that image.

This is the ACTUAL photograph:







Yes.
That's Scott Heisel with The Hills sleazeball Spencer Pratt.

And a little of Heidi Montag.

Now whose side are you on?

Stream This Consciousness

I'm not gonna lie to you.
I have absolutely no idea what to blog about today.

Usually when this happens, I find some little aspect of my life (whether it's finding art for my iTunes library or accidentally blowing up an oven) and then expand on that in a quasi-clever effort to make it seem like I'd planned that topic all along.

But I've spent the past 74 hours trying to find something like that and I'm now physically and emotionally exhausted from it. It's true. Have you ever found a big jug of Red Vines at Target on sale for $3.49 and thought to yourself, "Hmm. I wonder if I can center a blog around this?"

Believe me, it's no way to live.

So instead of bothering with all that pretense, I'm just not even gonna think. It's not good for me and it's not good for you.

So I'm just gonna write. Who knows where we'll end up. The only certainty is that one of us is going to end up in tears.

Right now, I'm sitting in my apartment watching the Bears and Packers, suddenly aware of how asinine a job it is to be an NFL analyst. Seriously. I love football more than I love 83 percent of other people. But when you wake up every Sunday, put on a suit with an obnoxious tie (or a crazy hat if you're a female analyst), and then talk about how other people play a game, it's basically the equivalent of someone sitting around and critiquing how a couple people play a game of Chutes And Ladders.

I spent most of yesterday (which was Saturday) at the AP skyscraper since Saturday is pretty much the only day I'm guaranteed not to have 43 meetings, thus allowing me to commit any four-minute period to just one task. The only downside is that when you're all alone in the office at night, it's pretty much a given that you're going to suddenly realize how creepy it is and then convince yourself you just saw a ghost. I actually forgot that I got a haircut earlier in the day and literally shrieked when I looked in the bathroom mirror.

But today, the main agenda is:
1. Wake up
2. Pizza
3. Blog
4. Person L show

It's actually been a good half-week span for me and shows. I went to see Dredg a few days ago and they were actually pretty effing brilliant, even with the fact that the crowd featured a lot of large guys in hoodies who look like they just got back from basic training and were flailing around violently as if they had never ever danced before in their lives. By the way, the opening bands were pretty gall darn insane. Telescreen--ahem, a band I put in our AP&R section a few months ago (I'm very awesome)--play atmospheric shoegaze from behind a stage-sized video screen and Judgment Day--who are in contention for the least original band name right behind the Devil Wears Prada--are an instrumental cello/violin/drum metal trio who make Apocalyptica look like the junior high wind ensemble at St. Ignatius.

Okay.
I'm literally out of thoughts.
All I want is a nap.
Possibly a Fruit Roll-Up.

But enough about me.
How are you today?

APFFL Week 10: A bridge

Today I felt ambitious.
I decided to cook my own lunch.

And by "cook," I mean assemble two peanut butter and jelly sammiches.

This, however, was a last-minute decision as I was scurrying out of my apartment this morning, and it would later come back to haunt me.

Four hours later, as I was halfway through sandwich No. 1, I began to sense that something was off. Apparently, I hadn't made two peanut butter and jelly sammiches. I'd made one peanut butter sandwich and one jelly sandwich. But it was too late to make the switch at that point, leaving me hungry, alone and frightened.

And that was probably the highlight of my day.

So I'm gonna get right to the results of this week's AP Fantasy Football League, however, due to my weakened physical and mental state, I'm gonna give you the abridged version in the only way I know how to abridge anything: Horrible, horrible Haiku.

Dandy Van Slykes (66) def. Exitonefiftytwo (55)
Would you look at that?
Somehow I managed the win.
Thanks, Drew Brees and luck.

San Diego Whale Vaginas (75) def. Awesometown Unicorns (39)
Cam sort of gave up.
Scott's win is kinda empty.
He still gloated hard.

Venice Marmots (120) def. I Hate California (99)
Most other coaches
Would have lost to Kate this week.
Fate frowns upon me.

Milwaukee Milkmen (76) def. 85 Mafia (60)
Brady Quinn was in.
But Jennifer couldn't win.
Read: Republi-can't?

Team Marcella (115) def. Rambunctious Coons (104)
Heather is a force
No longer a haunted team
My cat is a dick. (She won't stop gnawing on my TV right now.)

Chicago Quails (80) def. Cleveland Hasselhoffs (42)
Even with Flacco,
Chris dominated Zak's team.
Where's your Hasselhoff (now)? (Okay, that one was clearly cheating.)

Things I Think I Learned This Week

There was one six-day span in college during which my roommate and I did nothing except play Tekken 2 and occasionally go out into the hall and run directly at each other to see who would be left standing.

This past week was slightly more eventful than that.

Let's get right to a few things I think I learned.

1. America finally has its Keanu Reeves
Did you see that South Park where Kenny ends up in heaven, fighting for the forces of good by playing a golden PSP? And then everyone refers to him as their "Keanu Reeves" as in Keanu from The Matrix? I'm not saying Barack Obama is the chosen one, I'm just sayin that nobody would be that surprised if he eventually went on to co-star with Sandra Bullock in The Lake House.

2. Openly Republican musicians are as difficult to find as a picture of Wil Francis where he isn't smoking.
If you visited Altpress.com during the past week, you probably noticed our "Barack You Like A Hurricane" feature in which musicians give us their thoughts about the outcome of the election. If you happened to scroll down to the comments, you'll see that a bunch of readers were upset that we rigged the results and ignored the landslide of support we undoubtedly got from frustrated McCain supporting rock stars. Here's the thing: I'm the guy who posted all of the responses, and we straight did not receive one answer from anyone who seemed the slightest bit bummed on Barack. Please believe. We tried. We went so far as to specifically seek out known Republicans (ahem, Jonathan Cook, etc.), but none of them wanted to comment. I asked one publicist if there were any Republicans in our musical scene, and she said, "If there are, they aren't saying much this week." Believe me, I'm not the kind of guy who has any sort of political agenda (unless the politics we're talking about somehow dictate the number of Oreos I'll be able to consume).

3. If you're taking a red-eye flight from Los Angeles to Cleveland, and the seat next to you is empty, you absolutely have to snag the extra pillow immediately
Granted, this advice will likely only be useful to a handful of you over your lives, but if you do find yourself in this situation, you're going to hear my blogged words reverberating throughout your temporal lobe. If you sit down in a window seat and there's nobody in that middle seat between you and the lady with the aisle seat, reading O Magazine, slyly grab the pillow and blanket left there. Otherwise, that mean-ass lady is going to commandeer them instantly and use the extra pillow to keep her iMac comfy, while you spend the next five hours struggling to sleep with your head digging into the freezing window.

4. Figure skaters spin faster when they pull their arms in because of the conservation of angular momentum.
I know. It seemed so obvious. I only know this because for some reason, I'm on the mailing list for all the new editions of The Complete Idiot's Guide To... whatever it is that idiots need to learn that day. At first, I was kind of offended. How did I get on this list? But then I received The Complete Idiot's Guide To The Science Of Everything this week, and reluctantly realized that I'm kind of an idiot. This thing tells me a ton of stuff I always wondered about--like how a remote control works and how we know that the universe is expanding (the reason: it's a guess). This might radically alter "Things I Think I Learned This Week" entries in the future...

APFFL Week 9 and a half

So I'm super-late on getting you last weekend's results from the AP Fantasy Football League.

So late that it's actually a whole new weekend already.

And Week 10 of the season actually started on Thursday.

I'm not a mathemagician, but I think that means I really need to get to these scores.

Dandy Van Slykes (90) def. I Hate California (64)

Aw. You'd think with all the times I hoped Katie would get a win that the one time I play her, I'd sorta let her have one. Nah, son. She may be my girlfriend and I may have actually been visiting her for the weekend, but that didn't stop me from housing her team. I didn't mean to. I actually didn't even check my team. Sure, my record now put me in a tie for first place. But, believe me, nobody wins when Katie loses. Except for the Communists. I don't even know what that means.

Team Exitonefiftytwo (54) def. San Diego Whale Vaginas (50)

The hazard of having two kickers on your team (as Scott and the Whale Vaginas do) is that you always run the risk of playing the wrong one. While Scott's golden boy Robbie Gould net him 10 points, his benched kicker David Akers woulda got him 16 and the win over Ben, who somehow succeeded with a Raider in his lineup.

Venice Marmots (95) def. Awesometown Unicorns (35)

I think Cam mighta given up this week as she and the Unicorns started three players who were off last weekend. Still, Laura and the Marmots probably woulda taken out pretty much any other team in the league with a crazy-good output. I've said it before and I'll likely say it again next week: Fantasy football is a fickle, fickle mistress. Laura got 95 points when she only needed 36. Next week, she'll inevitably lose by 64 points. Nothing against Laura. It's just, well, the whole fickle mistress thing.

Milwaukee Milkmen (70) def. Rambunctious Coons (58)

Ronny and the Rambunctious ones suffered some tough luck this week when Michael Pittman went on injured reserve and Larry Johnson kept getting suspended for potentially being a sociopath. That hurt him against top-rated Zach. I'm beginning to realize that if Zach can't lose with Chad Pennington at QB, he's probably never gonna lose.

Team Marcella (82) def. Chicago Quails (58)

Nobody look now, but Heather and Team Marcella are creeping up the standings. Not bad for a team formerly known as the "Ghost Team." She fielded a straight-up impressive team and made short work of Chris and the Quails. With a couple savvy moves, Heather has become the comeback GM of the year so far. I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say she may or may not be in consideration for the Detroit Lions general manager position.

85 Mafia (82) def. Cleveland Hasselhoffs (25)

Would you look at that. In the battle of AP staffers, copy editor Jen handily defeated ad exec/mustache aficionado Zak. I can't be certain, but I'm pretty sure Zak became the first player in the league not to have a single player reach double digit points. In fact, all of his wide receivers, running backs and quarterback combined didn't reach double digit points. But let's not discount Jen's victory. 82 points is pretty impressive. And to think that next week, she'll finally get to play newly appointed Browns starter/dreamboat/Republican Brady Quinn. Change is coming.

Stale menthol

So I got back from L.A. yesterday and when I went to watch the newest episode of The Mentalist on CBS, it turns out there was some election going on.

It was weird, because I hadn't seen or heard anything about it during the past seven months.

Okay, I'm kidding.
I don't watch The Mentalist.

Oh, okay, and I'm fully aware of the election. In fact, I usually don't wax too political, but I'm proud of America for finally realizing that it had a problem and doing something about it. For years, America kept stumbling in during the middle of the night reeking of Jack Daniels, stale Marlboro Menthol and disillusionment, embarrassing the kids at family functions and consistently picking fights with pretty much anyone who said they didn't like Toby Keith.

Acceptance is the first step. Finally, America is getting the help it needs.
Whether rich people who still mourn the end of Frasier like it or not.

Anyway, for those of you eagerly waiting for the results of this week's AP Fantasy Football League, sorry to say you're gonna have to wait at least another day. I haven't had a chance to really look at the results yet, but I assure you, it's on my To Do list, right between getting at least five hours sleep and cleaning up any of the 43 piles of vomit my cat deposited while I was in California.

She has a problem, too. But Obama sadly won't be able to keep my cat from being a dick.

But to bring you up to speed, L.A. was good.
I went to the Thrice/Alkaline Trio/Rise Against show on Halloween at the Palladium and got to see Thrice play their typically incredible set (but this time, they wore monkey masks). Alkaline Trio were dressed as the kids from that movie Funny Games that apparently only six people in the crowd had seen.

I actually dressed up as Dustin Kensrue.
But all that really meant was that I wore a plaid, button-down shirt.

But I now know this: If you want to be scared out of your god-fearing mind on Halloween, go to L.A.
Not because of the costumes.
But because of the traffic.
It took about six hours for us to drive three blocks.
And during that time, I counted 431 Joker costumes, which was only six more than the nationwide average for any Halloween party this year.

Okay, so now my computer isn't letting me type more than seven letters at a time, so I think I'm gonna get to that To-Do list (but I'm probably going to add an item about eating an ice cream sandwich).

APFFL Week 8: Ocho Stinko

So here we are again.

Another weekend in our storied AP Fantasy Football League and we're all a little wiser, a little stronger and a little more into listening to Andrew Bird (in my case, at least).

Unfortunately, I've gotta make this an abridged version of the rundown, because I leave for L.A. in 23 hours and just this instant remembered that I'll need to pack tonight.

So let's get right to it:

Dandy Van Slykes (104) def. Chicago Quails (87)
I seriously have no idea how this happened. Nobody could've expected me to take out one of the top teams in the league in Chris' Quails, but, hey, fantasy football is a fickle, fickle mistresss (the third "s" is for "sorry I'm so awesome, Chris."

Milwaukee Milkmen (101) def. Venice Marmots (83)
Laura and the Marmots put their faith in Bills quarterback Trent Edwards and, like Bills fans everywhere, she had to stare the stark face of defeat in the eye. Yeah yeah, I know the Bills are in first place or something. But it didn't matter because Zach had Brian Westbrook and his 3,390 rushing yards.

Cleveland Hasselhoffs (83) def. Awesometown Unicorns (55)
Against his best efforts, Zak and his Hasselhoffs managed to snag a win. If Cam had played Kurt Warner instead of Tony "Yep, I'm still injured but still exceptionally pretty" Romo, she mighta made it a contest.

San Diego Whale Vaginas (81) def. Rambunctious Coons (77)
Ronny and team Rambunctious obviously didn't get word that RB Larry Johnson wouldn't be playing because he can't stop beating people up in the real world. That definitely hurt him in his bid to knock the much-vilified Scott Heisel from the medal podium. Both teams are now sitting at 4-4 now.

Team Marcella (38) def. Team Exitonefiftytwo (27)
It's crazy how low-scoring teams always end up to play each other. I mean, Ben and Exitonefiftytwo had a 6-1 record coming into this week, yet Heather's 38 point output was enough to add a second loss to his total.

I Hate California (77) def. 85 Mafia (64)
Finally. I can say it. Katie managed to eek out her first victory of the season, and it came against Jen who just got her first win last week. I'm almost certain that Katie hasn't looked at her team in about two weeks since she's possibly the third or fourth most rampant Steelers fan in the world and she hasn't started any Steelers since their bye week. But her JV team was able to rally together and throw a win in her record--which she'll notice sometime in mid-December when she decides to check her team again.


Sorry again for the brevity, guys.
But I got socks to pack.
And before that: socks to find.