Somebody thinks he's Mariah Carey.

Okay.
That's freaking it.

Maybe I'm feeling a little like a prima donna.
Or maybe I'm just a little drunk.

But I'm officially requesting a new photo of me for this blog.

I can't do it anymore.
I can't be expected to work under these conditions.

Here's the thing.
As we covered in my very first blog, back during what I like the refer to as the Golden Age Of My Narcissism, I made clear my feelings about that horrible picture of me up there in the right-hand corner. True, I was half-kidding.

But when you're half-kidding, 50 percent of you is saying something in jest and the other 50 percent is dying a little inside.

Here's the thing.
The day we took those pictures, I wasn't any kinda prepared. Not that I woulda got my hair did up real nice or that I woulda worn something fancy (like that $300 pleather blazer I got from being on a Fuse TV show, but have yet to find a situation in which I can wear it without immense mocking).

But there's something inside my brain that always kicks in when I pose for pictures: I don't do anything well when I'm asked to.

It's true.
From writing a story to making toast, if you tell me to do it, a part of my brain makes it so I can't complete said task. Our art assistant Ted once told me that it's something called a "self-fulfilling prophecy," but I think it's actually that my brain hates me.

So when I'm told to pose for a picture, the results are always awful.

But since it's clear to everyone at AP that I'm both self-obsessed and potentially insane, they're not gonna bother to listen to any of the voices in my head.

So I need you.
Give me some comments that agree with the fact that I need a photo that doesn't make me look like a sophomore in high school who may or may not be pooping.

I'm gonna include a few options below, just to prove that my mom is right and that I'm far, far more attractive than anything that can be captured by man-made devices.

Maybe we could go with this one:



This was taken during my trip across the country a few months ago. As you can clearly see and in direct opposition to what my blog photo indicates, I do in fact have facial structure.

Or how about this one:



This is straight up taken from my computer at work. I think the thing that makes this far superior to my current photo is that you can tell that I'm not just rocking a bad, seventh-grade-style mustache. I'm rocking a bad, seventh-grade-style beard. Call me crazy, but I think that's something worth fighting for.

I know what you're saying: Tim, yes. Obviously you are a gorgeous human being. But what can I do? I'm only one person.

That's true.
But together, our voices can rise above and make real change possible.