3OH!T

So the other day, something kind of weird happened to me.

It really shouldn't have been all that surprising, seeing as how I'd had the better part of three decades to emotionally prepare.

But, still, it kinda snuck up on me.


I turned 30.

Please don't judge me.

I did all I could to delay it. (Believe me. For proof, you need look no further than my apartment littered with freeze pop wrappers and baseball cards.)


At first, I was a little traumatized.

But then somebody gave me a pamphlet, and I realized that there are hundreds of people just like me.

People older than 29.



I know what you're saying. "Man, wow. That sucks. You never think that'll happen to anyone you know. It's so surreal."

But I was once like you:






(Don't let the fact that I'm doing dishes fool you. That really is me.)

So now that I've officially fallen to the other side, I feel like it's my civic responsibility to create awareness for my affliction. I want to clear up a few misconceptions you might have about 30 year-olds (I'd say that we prefer to be called the "youth impaired," but that's just effing stupid.)

MISCONCEPTION: By the time you're 30, you'll be married and living in a house somewhere in the suburbs.
In all honesty, this actually could happen to you. I've got plenty of settled down friends who used to go to see Radiohead with me when they were still playing clubs. But a few of us manage to maneuver through our 20s without a permanent significant other and only a fleeting comprehension of what a 401(k) is. I actually have no idea when I'll buy a house. I assume it'll be when they make houses $35.99.

MISCONCEPTION: When you're 30, we'll all be living in floating cities and drive flying cars like in The Fifth Element.
I thought that too, chief. I thought that too. I once rolled my car over a small cliff. But that wasn't really the same thing.

MISCONCEPTION: When you're 30, you'll be too grown up for video games.
Not true. In fact, just last weekend, I upgraded to Xbox Live. I felt like I could either sign up for a gym or get Xbox Live. This decision may be one of those turning points where your life goes in a very unhealthy direction. Like, if I were Ashton Kutcher in The Butterfly Effect, this would be the moment that I either start to become a wealthy, successful entrepreneur or a chubby, loveless middle-aged guy who collects $87 anime figurines.

MISCONCEPTION: By the time you're 30, you'll be listening to nothing but John Mayer and the sound of your dying soul.
I've seen this happen to people I love. But it didn't happen to me. In fact, I still spend way more time than I probably should sitting at my computer with my headphones on and pretending that I'm actually in the band I'm listening to (it's usually Thrice or Brand New or Three 6 Mafia). While a lot of my friends are stuck in 1997 (and that year definitely does have a hold on me), I think I have pretty decent musical taste. I discovered this band Exotic Animal Petting Zoo today. I have friends who are still into Candlebox.

MISCONCEPTION: When you're 30, you'll have everything figured out.
Clearly, I am nowhere close on this one. I'm still trying to figure out what everything is, let alone figuring said things out. Granted, I'm a little less together than someone as youth impaired as me should be. But when I look around at most of the people I graduated high school with, it's like: Yeah, I only own six plates. But at least I don't have three different child support payments to make. That, in itself, has gotta be considered a win.

The thing I guess I hope you take away from this exercise in egocentrism is this:

If you're under 27 and you get upset that on your birthday that you're getting old, I freaking hate you. (The same way that Pettigrew undoubtedly hates me right now for acting like I'm old.)

Now let's never speak of this again.