APFFL Week 1: Maximum Carnage

With much pomp and euphoria, the opening of the inaugural AP Fantasy Football League kicked off this weekend.

After eight months of off season, finally I'm whole again.

Tom Brady cried.

I think he was moved by the opening festivities of our little league.

But, really, he might've had his own things going on.

Now I realize that most of you are here for updates on the Hellogoodbye lineup change. And professional football is likely tied in with all the things you can't stand: Binge drinking, Abercrombrie baseball caps and tribal tattoos. (Refer to Image 1B.) But bear with me. Somewhere along the line I developed the ability to respect both the nuances of a Brand New B-side and a perfectly executed halfback draw.

I'm like the dude from Felicity in Underworld who's half-vampire and half-werewolf.

And there are more of us than you know.

So I'm happy to say that I started out the season 1-0, thanks.

Here's a quick synopsis of how things went down:

Dandy Van Slykes (78) def. I Hate California (75)

That's me--Dandy Van Slykes--eking out my competitor, who much to her dismay (for several reasons) is my girlfriend. Hey, I didn't plan out the schedule.

Going into the Monday night games, I was nursing a two-point lead with only the Vikings defense to play. Defenses can actually lose you points in make believe football, so I was in jeopardy. For a moment, I thought about just benching the squad, to guarantee a victory. But then I remembered that I don't want to die alone.

Awesometown Unicorns (88) def. Venice Marmots (55)

This was a big win for Cam--who you might recognize as one of the readers who commented a ton on my "How to become a big, rich, attractive music journalist" blog. When she applied for the league, I couldn't really turn her down.

However, she just informed us that she received word that she's leaving for the U.K. until December. She was afraid that might hurt her chances in the league, seeing as how she'll be five hours ahead of us. But, if anything, I think it gives her an unfair advantage, since she'll get to see how the games turn out five hours before we do. (Moving to the U.K. is apparently a lot like being in Back To The Future 2.)

Exitonefiftytwo (87) def. San Diego Whale Vaginas (78)

That's music editor Scott Heisel with the inappropriate name and the loss. Scott will boast that his precious Bears kicker Robbie Gould scored more points than any of his wide receivers. But he doesn't realize that's a bad thing.

Cleveland Hasselhoffs (91) def. 85 Mafia (44)

In what was the blowout of the week, AP copy editor Jen Grathwol was mercilessly pummeled by AP ad exec/v-neck aficionado Zak Bristo. On paper, Jen's team looked legit. But she was ravaged by injuries and the all-around crappiness of Chad Ocho Cinco (the very player she named her team after).

Milwaukee Milkmen (81) def. Rambunctious Coons (69)

Oh, if only the Monday Night Football commentators had known that there was an actual battle going on between Brett Favre and his replacement--who may or may not be Creed's Scott Stapp. (Refer to Image 1C). Maybe we wouldn't have had to listen to the constant Favre comparisons during the Packers game.

Image 1C:

(For the record, Scott Stapp won.)

Team Marcella (72) def. Chicago Quails (65)
Team Marcella was the only fantasy team starting Tom Brady and his season-ending surgery to actually win this week. That might not fly next week, though, since I'm pretty sure the owner of that team hasn't actually logged into the league yet. That's good news for Brett Favre, who's playing that team in our league next week. See?