APFFL Week 3: Terminal Velocity
Sorry if this blog is a day late.
After this past weekend in the AP Fantasy Football League and the results of my highly anticipated bout with music editor Scott Heisel, I took yesterday off to enjoy the ensuing parade.
It got out of hand pretty quick.
(FYI: When you do a Google image search for "parade," you get a staggering amount of porn sites. Just sayin'. It's a gross, gross thing, this inter-net of mankind's.)
So let's get right to it.
Dandy Van Slykes (104) def. San Diego Whale Vaginas (80)
I'm not a scientist.
I'm just a man.
A man who could probably beat Scott Heisel at fantasy football without a computer, contact with the outside world and the capacity for abstract thought.
(And I'm gonna write this particular description in
that
way
that
Scott
hates.)
My team was pretty mediocre this week, if you ask me.
But Scott's was mediocre-er.
He started one guy (Justin Fargas) who didn't play on Sunday and one guy (Derek Anderson) who probably shouldn't have played.
So I can beat Scott at fantasy football.
Is that really something to be proud of?
Make-believe football?
I think so, yes.
Venice Marmots (97) def. Team Exitonefiftytwo (94)
Laura and Ben are pretty much the only ones in the league to use the "Smack Board" to its full potential. Except instead of talking trash on each other, they got along famously and instead made fun of me:
Ben (Sep 21 10:25 PM): at least the points will cheer Tim up, poor him... being 30. horrible.
So I don't think there were any hard feelings from Ben when Laura managed to hold T.O. to 1 point and squeeze out a win. These guys are both contenders and they could each easily beat Scott Heisel with only a kicker and a tight end.
Awesometown Unicorns (97) def. I Hate California (89)
This was kind of a heart breaker. Mostly for me. Cameron managed to keep my girlfriend's team at 0-3 with this tight one. I really kinda need Katie to win at least one game so that she won't become completely disinterested. She already barely remembers that she has a team. And when Ronnie Brown scored five (that's 5) touchdowns on Sunday, I'm pretty sure she didn't know he was on her team. All I want is a girlfriend who I can talk passionately about fantasy football with. That's the dream. Is it so unattainable?
Apparently Cameron hates love.
Rambunctious Coons (90) def. Cleveland Hasselhoffs (58)
Yee.
Not pretty.
On paper, our ad exec Zak looked like he had a shot against Ronny--who got 43 zillion points from his once-underachieving running backs like Larry Johnson (who scored more than almost all of Zak's position players combined). I'm trying to figure out a way to automatically deduct points from Ronny for owning Brett Favre when he plays Monday Night Football games. Nothing against Brett the Jet. I just can't stand to hear commentators talk about him. He's just a football player, fellas. He's not this guy.
Milwaukee Milkmen (75) def. Team Marcella (58)
I'd just like to point out that the team with an absentee owner (Team Marcella) scored as many points as Zak and the Cleveland Hasselhoffs. But the Zach that was facing Marcella this week (note the different spellings of Zak and Zach), made short work of the ghost team. However, that team would have had a pretty easy time beating one of the next two teams...
Chicago Quails (97) really def. 85 Mafia (16)
Our copy editor Jennifer and her 85 Mafia don't need our pity. But we're going to offer it anyway. Sixteen points? It doesn't help that every quarterback she picks up gets demoted due to poor play (Tarvaris Jackson) or being sad (Vince Young). But only two people on her team scored more than 3 points and one was her kicker. In fact, even though Jackson didn't play and got Jen zero points, he still was more productive than her defense (the Patriots) who ended up with negative seven points. Not to detract from the stellar day that Chris and the Quails turned in. If I had to speculate, I'd say he's probably the front runner this season. But to lose this game against Jen, it would've taken somebody far more clueless.
Tune in next blog, when I swear I'll talk about music.
At least a little.
After this past weekend in the AP Fantasy Football League and the results of my highly anticipated bout with music editor Scott Heisel, I took yesterday off to enjoy the ensuing parade.
It got out of hand pretty quick.
(FYI: When you do a Google image search for "parade," you get a staggering amount of porn sites. Just sayin'. It's a gross, gross thing, this inter-net of mankind's.)
So let's get right to it.
Dandy Van Slykes (104) def. San Diego Whale Vaginas (80)
I'm not a scientist.
I'm just a man.
A man who could probably beat Scott Heisel at fantasy football without a computer, contact with the outside world and the capacity for abstract thought.
(And I'm gonna write this particular description in
that
way
that
Scott
hates.)
My team was pretty mediocre this week, if you ask me.
But Scott's was mediocre-er.
He started one guy (Justin Fargas) who didn't play on Sunday and one guy (Derek Anderson) who probably shouldn't have played.
So I can beat Scott at fantasy football.
Is that really something to be proud of?
Make-believe football?
I think so, yes.
Venice Marmots (97) def. Team Exitonefiftytwo (94)
Laura and Ben are pretty much the only ones in the league to use the "Smack Board" to its full potential. Except instead of talking trash on each other, they got along famously and instead made fun of me:
Ben (Sep 21 10:25 PM): at least the points will cheer Tim up, poor him... being 30. horrible.
So I don't think there were any hard feelings from Ben when Laura managed to hold T.O. to 1 point and squeeze out a win. These guys are both contenders and they could each easily beat Scott Heisel with only a kicker and a tight end.
Awesometown Unicorns (97) def. I Hate California (89)
This was kind of a heart breaker. Mostly for me. Cameron managed to keep my girlfriend's team at 0-3 with this tight one. I really kinda need Katie to win at least one game so that she won't become completely disinterested. She already barely remembers that she has a team. And when Ronnie Brown scored five (that's 5) touchdowns on Sunday, I'm pretty sure she didn't know he was on her team. All I want is a girlfriend who I can talk passionately about fantasy football with. That's the dream. Is it so unattainable?
Apparently Cameron hates love.
Rambunctious Coons (90) def. Cleveland Hasselhoffs (58)
Yee.
Not pretty.
On paper, our ad exec Zak looked like he had a shot against Ronny--who got 43 zillion points from his once-underachieving running backs like Larry Johnson (who scored more than almost all of Zak's position players combined). I'm trying to figure out a way to automatically deduct points from Ronny for owning Brett Favre when he plays Monday Night Football games. Nothing against Brett the Jet. I just can't stand to hear commentators talk about him. He's just a football player, fellas. He's not this guy.
Milwaukee Milkmen (75) def. Team Marcella (58)
I'd just like to point out that the team with an absentee owner (Team Marcella) scored as many points as Zak and the Cleveland Hasselhoffs. But the Zach that was facing Marcella this week (note the different spellings of Zak and Zach), made short work of the ghost team. However, that team would have had a pretty easy time beating one of the next two teams...
Chicago Quails (97) really def. 85 Mafia (16)
Our copy editor Jennifer and her 85 Mafia don't need our pity. But we're going to offer it anyway. Sixteen points? It doesn't help that every quarterback she picks up gets demoted due to poor play (Tarvaris Jackson) or being sad (Vince Young). But only two people on her team scored more than 3 points and one was her kicker. In fact, even though Jackson didn't play and got Jen zero points, he still was more productive than her defense (the Patriots) who ended up with negative seven points. Not to detract from the stellar day that Chris and the Quails turned in. If I had to speculate, I'd say he's probably the front runner this season. But to lose this game against Jen, it would've taken somebody far more clueless.
Tune in next blog, when I swear I'll talk about music.
At least a little.
posted by Tim Karan at
11:44 PM
4 Comments:
There will be a retaliatory blog, my "friend." Oh, yes, there will be.
When I saw that I won 97-16 I thought it was a mistake... I'm keeping myself humble by remembering that my only loss came from the ghost team. Fantasy football is by far the most important thing that I do. I'm terribly lonely....
Even though Scott is 0-3, it's important to note that he has the best team name and logo. That should be some kind of consolation.
Tim, I found 6 Andy Van Slyke baseball cards that you can have. Just let me know where to send them. I even have one from when he was playing for the Cardinals.
guess who doenst have a girlfriend anymore?
It's true that Ben and I apparently play a kinder, gentler brand of football.
Or, we just find it easy to make fun of Tim.
Either way, the moral of this story is Tony Romo sucks.
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