APFFL Week 5: Fatal Flaws and F-Words

My heart just isn't in it right now.

How can fantasy football--the thing that I love more than love itself, the thing that I turn my thoughts to when I can't sleep at 4:32 a.m. because everything else in the world seems so complicated--how can I put any faith into fantasy football when it gives Scott Heisel so much self-satisfaction this week?

Here is how the dust settled upon Week 5 in the storied AP Fantasy Football League:

San Diego Whale Vaginas (121!) def. Venice Marmots (65)

There's so much evil in the world.

After opening the season with three straight embarrassing losses, music editor Scott Heisel has somehow managed two victories in a row. What's even more disheartening is the fact that he put up the second most points of any team in the league this season (three more and he woulda had the record and a special place in Hell). The poetic irony of this whole travesty is that his opponent Laura started Panthers running back Jonathan Stewart and Scott started Panthers (less effective thus far) running back DeAngelo Williams. For reasons not entirely clear, Williams managed to grab three touchdowns, depriving Laura of what was rightfully hers. Of course, her three-point performance out of Adrian "Yes, THAT Adrian, Jen" Peterson and zero points from Santana Moss and Anthony Gonzalez didn't exactly inspire. Now Scott won't stop bragging about his fantasy prowess. One more win for him, and our streets could suddenly look like this.

Awesometown Unicorns (95) def. Dandy Van Slykes (83)

Sure, I'm upset I lost this week. But the simple fact of the matter is that my team isn't very good. That isn't self-pity. That's fact. When your defense is your highest-scorer, you're not doing anything right (unless you drafted a defense made up of these guys). True, I would've beaten half the teams in the league this week, but Cameron and her British invasion looked impressive again, moving the fantasy first-timer into first place. You know who I blame? You guessed it.

Exitonefiftytwo (86) def. I Hate California (75)

Every week that passes, I hate a new member of our league a little bit more for depriving Katie of her first win. It's bad enough that on a daily basis she's forced to confront the fact that she's dating me, but the poor girl also has to live with a winless record. Ben continued his unfunny domination of our league and coasted to his fourth victory in five weeks and somehow (I have an official inquiry committee meeting about this as we speak), he managed to make the undisputed best free agent pick-up of the season when our ghost team manager made a fashionable appearance just to drop Plaxico Burress. Normally the waiver order goes according to who sucks, and Ben blatantly does not. I think Ben is clearly a hacker.

Chicago Quails (88) def. Rambunctious Coons (53)

Ronny and the Rambunctious Coons have to hate the Houston Texans right now. He benched their wide receiver Andre Johnson (who scored 19 points) and his opponent Chris and the Quails got a ridiculous 21 points out of their out-of-nowhere running back Steve Slaton. Zero points for Larry Johnson didn't help Ronny and neither did the NEGATIVE SEVEN points the Bills defense secured him. Next time, Ronny, just refer here.

Team Marcella (66) def. 85 Mafia (58)

Once again, the ghost team without an owner managed a victory. Now, as I said earlier, Heather (the legal guardian of this team) did make a few moves earlier in the week, but I didn't hear from her again. So I'm just gonna continue mentally considering them the ghost team. Either way, with minimal to zero coaching, they beat our copy editor Jen--one of only two remaining winless managers. Finally, Jen managed to play a quarterback who both has a job and is sane. But Chad Ocho Cinco--who basically was both her No. 1 and No. 2 draft picks (long story)--continues to plague her with his tenuous abilities and questionable sanity. But one day, Jen and Katie are gonna have to play. And only one manager in this league will potentially finish with zero wins. Why oh why couldn't it be this person?

Milwaukee Milkmen (86) def. Cleveland Hasselhoffs (57)

Our ad exec Zak and the Cleveland Hasselhoffs continues to display his complete lack of recollection that he owns a team in this league. He started two players with bye weeks (including one Cleveland Brown) and Willie Parker (who didn't play in his second straight game due to a bummy knee). This all led to Zach and the Milkmen's no-brainer of a victory even though all of his highest scoring position players were on his bench. It's good to give them a rest now and then, Zach. And you apparently picked the right week.