Black Monday

So we as a nation managed to make it through yet another Black Friday with a minimum of fatalities. And even fewer instances of babalities.

I'm well aware that I'm a couple days behind on this.

Thank you for noticing.

While people were beating each other to a confused, capitalist pulp as they fought for $479 flat-screen HDTVs, I was comfortably in my little bed, not being bludgeoned by anyone.

I'm not waking up at 4 a.m. for any GPS unit carrying case, no matter how many spacious, plush pockets it has.

I would, however, stand in a line at 3:38 a.m. (which is saying more than you may realize) for any or all of the following:

1. A brand new Brand New album that would only be available for one day

Granted, if Jesse Lacey and the gang were to release the successor to The Devil And God Are Raging Inside Me, I'm sure it will be available somewhere on the internet within 3.2 seconds. But this would be one of the rare cases where I actually care about owning an officially sanctioned copy. I don't think I even have an officially sanctioned college diploma.

2. Anything in any way directly and/or indirectly related to Jenna Fischer.

If I'm standing outside of a Target at 4 a.m. and there's just one Jenna Fischer inside for purchase, I will kill everything both alive and inanimate standing in my way. Man, I hope no adorable little bunnies are in my way...

3. Some sort of DVR that can automatically make it so I don't ever see any of those FreeCreditReport.com commercials.
I toyed with posting a YouTube clip of one of them here, but I feel like it would forever taint my blog. You know them. Three guys. Singing some horrible, horrible, horrible song (or in one especially disturbing case: rapping like it's 1986). Please, please, please make this DVR. And while you're at it, please throw in a way to avoid any of those Alltell commercials with "Chad."

4. Automatic blog topic generator
I don't care what I have to write about. I'll write about it. During my career, I've had to write about everything from growing tomatoes indoor to creating an exciting dinner menu on a budget. And I know absolutely nothing about either. But the most difficult part about blogging is figuring out what to blog about. Give me some sort of electronic device that will factor in my mood, what time in the middle of the night it inevitably is and how many 50-cent words I'm gonna need, and I will beat down the doors of every Walmart. Especially if it has a sweet touch-screen display. Or, I suppose you could just tell me what you think I should write about...