Undies are a given.
"What size pants do you wear?"
When I received that text from my mom, I instantly realized it's the holiday season.
In that moment, I was overcome with the paralyzing pressure that comes with acknowledging that I'm woefully behind on shopping.
Stupid behind even.
Like, it's not cute.
I'm gonna be one of those idiots your local news interviews at the mall on Christmas Eve standing in obscenely long lines just to buy remote control caddies and whatever else is left.
Sorry, loved ones.
However, after that passed, I then remembered that I'm gonna get some gifts myself.
Unless my loved ones are reading this blog.
But just in case you happen to be somebody in the market for buying me a present or five, I've got a few suggestions right up in here.
LOST: Season 4 DVD
Look. This is pretty standard. It's easy. It's at every store everywhere. I think I saw it at a gas station yesterday. I was kinda late to the Lost party, jumping in at the beginning of season 3 and then going backwards. But I Netflixed my way in time up to the Season 4 premiere last winter and was overwhelmingly addicted. It's getting so good. I can't really think about much else. Seriously. It's a problem. Won't you be my enabler?
THRICE The Alchemy Index LP set
Audiophile Scott Heisel has been pressuring me to invest in a record player and routinely tells me about any vinyl releases I might be stoked on. Most of the time, I just smile and nod a lot. I really can't afford to re-buy all of my favorite albums on vinyl--plus I'm notoriously awful at taking care of things. Ask my cat. Still, this complete set of the four installments in The Alchemy Index is pretty hard to resist. I think there are only like 2,000 of these out there, and I'll likely never ever listen to them, but every couple weeks or so, I'll dust them off and appreciate them. Just like I do with my cleaning products.
When I received that text from my mom, I instantly realized it's the holiday season.
In that moment, I was overcome with the paralyzing pressure that comes with acknowledging that I'm woefully behind on shopping.
Stupid behind even.
Like, it's not cute.
I'm gonna be one of those idiots your local news interviews at the mall on Christmas Eve standing in obscenely long lines just to buy remote control caddies and whatever else is left.
Sorry, loved ones.
However, after that passed, I then remembered that I'm gonna get some gifts myself.
Unless my loved ones are reading this blog.
But just in case you happen to be somebody in the market for buying me a present or five, I've got a few suggestions right up in here.
LOST: Season 4 DVD
Look. This is pretty standard. It's easy. It's at every store everywhere. I think I saw it at a gas station yesterday. I was kinda late to the Lost party, jumping in at the beginning of season 3 and then going backwards. But I Netflixed my way in time up to the Season 4 premiere last winter and was overwhelmingly addicted. It's getting so good. I can't really think about much else. Seriously. It's a problem. Won't you be my enabler?
MITCH HEDBERG Do You Believe In Gosh? CD
Every once in a while, I get interviewed by someone for a school paper. It's not often. But just often enough to inflate my ego to the point that I can tell Jason Pettigrew wants to throw me into a windowless closet with six enraged possums. (But he usually doesn't.) But the question I'm always asked during those interviews is "Who's your biggest influence?" I think they're expecting me to namedrop Hunter Thompson or Chuck Klosterman or Dave Barry or somebody. But I'm not much of a reader. I don't even read these blogs until they're posted (clearly). I always cite the late comedian/genius Mitch Hedberg, who I got to see twice when he was still around. This posthumous CD came out right around my birthday and I really thought somebody woulda been on that for me back then...
Every once in a while, I get interviewed by someone for a school paper. It's not often. But just often enough to inflate my ego to the point that I can tell Jason Pettigrew wants to throw me into a windowless closet with six enraged possums. (But he usually doesn't.) But the question I'm always asked during those interviews is "Who's your biggest influence?" I think they're expecting me to namedrop Hunter Thompson or Chuck Klosterman or Dave Barry or somebody. But I'm not much of a reader. I don't even read these blogs until they're posted (clearly). I always cite the late comedian/genius Mitch Hedberg, who I got to see twice when he was still around. This posthumous CD came out right around my birthday and I really thought somebody woulda been on that for me back then...
THRICE The Alchemy Index LP set
Audiophile Scott Heisel has been pressuring me to invest in a record player and routinely tells me about any vinyl releases I might be stoked on. Most of the time, I just smile and nod a lot. I really can't afford to re-buy all of my favorite albums on vinyl--plus I'm notoriously awful at taking care of things. Ask my cat. Still, this complete set of the four installments in The Alchemy Index is pretty hard to resist. I think there are only like 2,000 of these out there, and I'll likely never ever listen to them, but every couple weeks or so, I'll dust them off and appreciate them. Just like I do with my cleaning products.
A couch
I read somewhere a while ago that the No. 1 item every bachelor absolutely must own is a good couch. And I'm pretty much every bachelor cliche you can think of. As it is now, I've got a tiny little sofa that even I can't fit on comfortably (and I'm not exactly Adam Dutkiewicz-sized). Considering the sheer amount of hours I spend plopped in front of my TV, you'd think I'd break the bank on something comfortable to plop on. But if you give me $450 to spend on something, I'll probably just buy baseball cards.
I read somewhere a while ago that the No. 1 item every bachelor absolutely must own is a good couch. And I'm pretty much every bachelor cliche you can think of. As it is now, I've got a tiny little sofa that even I can't fit on comfortably (and I'm not exactly Adam Dutkiewicz-sized). Considering the sheer amount of hours I spend plopped in front of my TV, you'd think I'd break the bank on something comfortable to plop on. But if you give me $450 to spend on something, I'll probably just buy baseball cards.
PLANET EARTH U.S. Discovery Channel DVD box set
Okay, before you head to the store, keep this in mind: I already own the original BBC version of Planet Earth, featuring the guy from Jurassic Park. But in a move that'll likely sicken managing editor Rachel Lux, who still champions the BBC version of The Office over the far superior American version, I want the American version of Planet Earth (featuring the chick from Ghostbusters), too. I'm not 100 percent that there's much difference between the two, but I'm convinced I like the U.S. version more. Call me a patriot. Or just a picky jerk.
Okay, before you head to the store, keep this in mind: I already own the original BBC version of Planet Earth, featuring the guy from Jurassic Park. But in a move that'll likely sicken managing editor Rachel Lux, who still champions the BBC version of The Office over the far superior American version, I want the American version of Planet Earth (featuring the chick from Ghostbusters), too. I'm not 100 percent that there's much difference between the two, but I'm convinced I like the U.S. version more. Call me a patriot. Or just a picky jerk.
And, of course, there's one other thing I want more than anything.
The first person who can tell me what that one thing is will win a special "Timorabilia" prize. For serious. Take a guess. What do ya have to lose? Possibly not getting whatever nicknacks I'm gonna put together for the winner?
13 Comments:
If I was like, seriously hardcore, I'd go back and read your previous blogs and try to puzzle out the thing you want more than anything (or whatever). But I'm not hardcore. So I'm just gonna say you want underwear. Yeah, underwear.
Also, that Thrice LP set looks pretty sweet. If I had a record player I would totally want that. That, and the complete Mastodon discography. Ahhhh, yeah.
since Rival Schools look to actually be doing this reunion thing, I'm gonna have to say Jenna Fischer.
Actually, Jenna would be the answer anyhow, regardless of the bands. Right? Right.
I'm gonna go ahead and say you want an Automatic Blog Topic Generator?
How about a one-on-one date with Dustin Kensrue? That's gotta be on the list somewhere...
An autographed Andy Van Slyke jersey?
I say Jenna Fischer as well
I too think Jenna Fischer is your ultimate Christmas gift.
Oh and I laughed way to hard at the picture of your cat.
I'm gonna cover all my bases here and say a threesome with Jenna Fischer AND Dustin Kensrue on top of a pile of Andy Van Slyke baseball cards.
Do I know you, or do I know you?
I'm gonna be original here, and say a new Brand New album. It would also be awesome if the cover included Dystin Kensrue, Andy Van Slyke and Jenna Fischer (in front of the Planet Earth??)
make that Dustin Kensrue, and you'll be all set
I'm standing by my original answer, but adding this, just for Syn.
After assembling a $2000 futon in your humble abode, Jenna Fischer dons a PVC Santa suit and sings "Merry Christmas, Mr. AP Webmaster" to you, playing Marilyn Monroe to your JFK. She also hangs around for weeks after the holidays to be your personal muse (12 blog entries a week, etc) and fetch you smokes.
Place my prize outside my door. Don't come in, though. I'm really busy.
Okay.
Jason wins.
However, I think I should probably accept the first mention of Jenna Fischer since it's technically the correct answer, too.
So step right up, Coma Girl.
P.S. So, think we can make this happen or...
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