Some Great Reward
I am but a man.
I'll buy pretty much anything packaged in bright blue, glossy packaging (I have about 14 bottles of toothpaste I can attribute to that) and I often choose to eat ice cream cake instead of an actual meal.
And for reasons not entirely clear to me just yet, I decided to watch the two-hour audition edition of American Idol tonight. Don't judge me.
It has very little to do with the 'legit' performers who pop up every couple of minutes to snag a ticket to Hollywood. Those people I could do without.
But I'm a huge fan of self-destruction. I don't mean that in the Chuck Palahniuk, Trent Reznor sense of the word--although, fittingly, I really do love Fight Club and Nine Inch Nails.
There's just something utterly fascinating--and apparently addictive--about watching the people who audition lacking talent and, in many cases, the ability to blend seamlessly into society.
Look. I get it. You sing along to Gavin DeGraw in the car and your Aunt Clara says you've got the voice of an angel. But here's the thing: I'm pretty okay at making Pop Tarts. That doesn't mean I'm gonna go to a national try-out if Iron Chef America comes to Cleveland.
Still, every year I manage to watch at least the first few intentionally embarrassing weeks of Idol before it becomes unintentionally embarrassing once the real competition begins. What can I say? It's a character flaw. I'm by no means an expert, considering when I was in Detroit with the AP Tour last year, a group of teenage girls driving by in a mini-van called me a "David Cook wannabe," and I had no idea what a David Cook was. But I decided to throw together this little list of some of the Idol contestants that still resonate in my head. I guess my aim is to show all those potential sociopaths who provide us with those painful auditions that, really, is being on this show really such a great reward?
Constantine Maroulos
Constantine (which is Greek for "complete and horrifying absence of chin") stormed onto whichever season it is that Carrie Underwood won and karate chopped and kicked his way pretty far into the competition. He was trying to pull off the whole sensitive rock star thing way back when David Cook was figuring out how to steal cover songs that Incubus and Audioslave were doing and pass them off as his own (okay, so I Googled David Cook after I was called his wannabe). There was no camera that Constantine couldn't pose for, and it may have won his place in the hearts of bored housewives everywhere, but all it did for me was make me insanely happy when this happened:
Amanda Overmyer
Every drunk girl who's ever mistakenly stumbled into a karaoke night while looking for a bathroom has sung a Janis Joplin song. Doing it while sober is inexcusable. Not nearly as inexcusable as it was for all the American idiots of the world to keep voting her through last year.
Taylor Hicks
I did some thinking, and I've decided I figured out how this guy managed to win Season 5. Either Nietzsche was onto something or this entire nation is simply being mean to Taylor Hicks. You know the foreign exchange student from Latvia who kinda smells like corn and doesn't have a firm grasp on English? And you know how all the jocks would occasionally hang out at his lunch table just to make him think he's cool, but the entire time the cool kids are actually just making fun of this poor, helpless, oblivious kid to mask their own growing insecurities? Everyone stop being mean to Taylor Hicks right now. He really thinks he's a good singer. Come on now. Do you think he could actually beat out this? I don't care what she's running for, but I'm voting for the second option. American Idol? President? Whatever.
I'll buy pretty much anything packaged in bright blue, glossy packaging (I have about 14 bottles of toothpaste I can attribute to that) and I often choose to eat ice cream cake instead of an actual meal.
And for reasons not entirely clear to me just yet, I decided to watch the two-hour audition edition of American Idol tonight. Don't judge me.
It has very little to do with the 'legit' performers who pop up every couple of minutes to snag a ticket to Hollywood. Those people I could do without.
But I'm a huge fan of self-destruction. I don't mean that in the Chuck Palahniuk, Trent Reznor sense of the word--although, fittingly, I really do love Fight Club and Nine Inch Nails.
There's just something utterly fascinating--and apparently addictive--about watching the people who audition lacking talent and, in many cases, the ability to blend seamlessly into society.
Look. I get it. You sing along to Gavin DeGraw in the car and your Aunt Clara says you've got the voice of an angel. But here's the thing: I'm pretty okay at making Pop Tarts. That doesn't mean I'm gonna go to a national try-out if Iron Chef America comes to Cleveland.
Still, every year I manage to watch at least the first few intentionally embarrassing weeks of Idol before it becomes unintentionally embarrassing once the real competition begins. What can I say? It's a character flaw. I'm by no means an expert, considering when I was in Detroit with the AP Tour last year, a group of teenage girls driving by in a mini-van called me a "David Cook wannabe," and I had no idea what a David Cook was. But I decided to throw together this little list of some of the Idol contestants that still resonate in my head. I guess my aim is to show all those potential sociopaths who provide us with those painful auditions that, really, is being on this show really such a great reward?
Constantine Maroulos
Constantine (which is Greek for "complete and horrifying absence of chin") stormed onto whichever season it is that Carrie Underwood won and karate chopped and kicked his way pretty far into the competition. He was trying to pull off the whole sensitive rock star thing way back when David Cook was figuring out how to steal cover songs that Incubus and Audioslave were doing and pass them off as his own (okay, so I Googled David Cook after I was called his wannabe). There was no camera that Constantine couldn't pose for, and it may have won his place in the hearts of bored housewives everywhere, but all it did for me was make me insanely happy when this happened:
Amanda Overmyer
Every drunk girl who's ever mistakenly stumbled into a karaoke night while looking for a bathroom has sung a Janis Joplin song. Doing it while sober is inexcusable. Not nearly as inexcusable as it was for all the American idiots of the world to keep voting her through last year.
Taylor Hicks
I did some thinking, and I've decided I figured out how this guy managed to win Season 5. Either Nietzsche was onto something or this entire nation is simply being mean to Taylor Hicks. You know the foreign exchange student from Latvia who kinda smells like corn and doesn't have a firm grasp on English? And you know how all the jocks would occasionally hang out at his lunch table just to make him think he's cool, but the entire time the cool kids are actually just making fun of this poor, helpless, oblivious kid to mask their own growing insecurities? Everyone stop being mean to Taylor Hicks right now. He really thinks he's a good singer. Come on now. Do you think he could actually beat out this? I don't care what she's running for, but I'm voting for the second option. American Idol? President? Whatever.
posted by Tim Karan at
9:23 PM
6 Comments:
I always think of Scott Savol. The greesy looking white guy who tried to act gangsta.
I thought Taylor Hicks was a 50 year old man trying to be the next Michael McDonald
In explaining how Taylor Hicks won, referencing Nietzsche was the most hilarious, most accurate thing you have ever said. That's why you're may fav Mr. Karan.
I'm fond of the Shirley Manson wannabe from the first season. You know, the one who ended up on FIRST PRESBYTERIAN REHAB or THE PETE DOHERTY BLOOD-MILKING HOUR.... Wait: Nikki McKibbin!
Nik: Meet me at the AP Skyscraper this Monday. Get Dr. Drew's credit card and send a car to gather Jenna F. Tim will be here, as well.
"I often choose to eat ice cream cake instead of an actual meal."
Ditto. Except for the part where it's just a gigantic cookie that the bakery said was cake. Cookie-cake, I guess.
"But I'm a huge fan of self-destruction. I don't mean that in the Chuck Palahniuk, Trent Reznor sense of the word--although, fittingly, I really do love Fight Club and Nine Inch Nails."
Again, ditto. Just, overall.
I've never seen an episode of American Idol in my life. I have, however, been known to turn the radio dial up when Kelly Clarkson starts singing. Other than that, these people are extremely desperate for attention when 10 years later, they're (trying) to sing to a bunch of reject judges on a pretentious panel for a ticket to Hollywood where they'll ingest some drugs, some of their own tears when the Man changes all their songs, and come home, and tell everybody that American Idol was the biggest mistake of their lives.
Tim, you're posts are actually made of win and awesome. Statistically it'll be proven. Don't worry your little heart.
Amanda seriously needs to do something about that hair of hers.
Post a Comment
<< Home