tenessential
Anti-Valentine Songs
Alternative Press - Editorial Intern on 6/18/09 @ 12:41 PM - altpress.comAt the risk of sounding like Nick Hornby, love-induced misery is at the root of pretty much every song we've ever related to. There's probably some social commentary inherent in the fact that the most universally embraced emotion is feeling dejected over lost love. But we're not sociologists; we're realists. That's why this Valentine's Day, we're gonna skip the touchy-feely love songs and move right into the misery phase-where good music resides.-Tim Karan
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Alkaline Trio "Radio" (from Maybe I’ll Catch Fire) (ASIAN MAN,2000)
If there were a songwriting college dedicated to harsh lyrics, Matt Skiba would be a professor with full tenure. “Radio” combines all the ugly aspects of breaking up into one neat little package-justifying self-destruction (“I’m taking my own life with wine,” “I’m smoking the brains from my head”) while sliding in ill wishes toward an ex (“I wish you would take my radio to bathe with you/Plugged in and ready to fall”). The saddest thing is you’ll never write a breakup song that says something this one doesn’t.
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Ben Folds Five "Song For The Dumped" (from Whatever And Ever Amen) (SONY/550,1997)
Where would the world be if no one broke Ben Folds’ heart? Probably still listening to Creed. In this particular love-lost song, Folds reveals the male translation for “taking a break” is essentially the same as “fuck you.” Who’s really gonna argue? When he (or the song’s character) is dumped after a dinner date, he reacts the same way guys have wanted to since the dawn of man: by demanding his money (and his black T-shirt) back.
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Brand New "Mix Tape" (from Your Favorite Weapon) (TRIPLE CROWN,2001)
You almost have to feel sorry for anyone who survived their teenage years without the aid of Jesse Lacey’s finger-pointing. “Mix Tape” is quintessential Brand New, complete with second-person lyricism directed at an ex-girlfriend who apparently always wore makeup, had shitty tattoos and didn’t fully appreciate the Smiths (or Morrissey). How do we know all this? Because Lacey just doesn’t give an eff anymore. Thankfully.
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Glassjaw "Lovebites And Razorlines" (from Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Silence) (ROADRUNNER,2000)
Glassjaw screamer Daryl Palumbo doesn’t mince words. You’ve safely passed the point of cordial return when you scream, “You fucking whore... Who you fucking now?” You’re even further past that point when you suggest the one-time light of your life cozy up with a handgun that’s a metaphor for your own genitals. But Palumbo seems okay with the sadistic balance he’s struck.
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Anthony Green "Slowing Down (Long Time Coming)" (from Avalon) (PHOTO FINISH,2008)
Who needs four minutes to sum up the dissolution of a relationship? Not Circa Survive frontman Anthony Green, who gets right to the crux of “Slowing Down (Long Time Coming)” immediately, warning his former lover, “If you keep holding on to what we’ve lost, you’re gonna drag down the road behind us.” Possibly the most upbeat breakup song ever, it’s like a heartbreak hoedown.
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Moneen "Start Angry...End Mad" (from Are We Really Happy With Who We Are Right Now?) (VAGRANT,2003)
When the first line of a song is, “Screw you and die, I hope you burn,” you get a sense it’s probably not about someone who, say, neglected to use their turn signal in front of you. This is an unabashedly anti-love song that even makes the Carly Simon self-referential route seem palatable when vocalist Kenny Bridges sings, “You’re nothing, you’re worthless, except for these verses.”
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Rival Schools "Undercovers On" (from United By Fate) (ISLAND,2001)
The closest thing to a ballad on United By Fate, “Undercovers On” should be mandatory listening for anyone getting out of a relationship. Frontman Walter Schreifels takes a rational approach to the acceptance phase of watching a former love abandon him in favor of someone who won’t ever have the same feelings for her as he did. By the end, sure, Schreifels is shouting. But come on, we said he was “rational,” not a robot.
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Say Anything "Every Man Has A Molly" (from ...Is A Real Boy) (DOGHOUSE,2004)
What’s the point of becoming a musician if you can’t use a song to call out your ex by name? Max Bemis says Molly Connelly just broke up with him because of “the revealing nature” of his songs. It’s unclear if he’s most upset with Molly, his fans (he blames them for the sad fact that he’ll never again sleep with her) or himself, but one thing is crystal-clear: Do not piss off Max Bemis.
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Shellac "Prayer To God" (from 1000 Hurts) (TOUCH AND GO,2000)
There are hundreds of religions in the world battling to be the one true belief, but it’s likely only a handful are cool with using prayer to plead for the deaths of an ex and her new beau. In this exercise in belligerence, vocalist Steve Albini paints the poetic demise of his former love but is less picky about the smiting of his replacement by saying, “Just fuckin’ kill him. I don’t care if it hurts,” before coming to his senses: “Yes I do. I want it to.”
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Thrice "Lullaby" (from Hopelessly Devoted To You Vol. 6) (HOPELESS/SUB CITY,2006)
With his laid-back demeanor and affinity for Christmas carols, Thrice frontman Dustin Kensrue doesn’t seem like much of a trash-talker. So you know something’s really got his flannel tied in knots when he screams that he’s “holding out for something more, a love worth dying for.” This B-side (one of the best Thrice songs you’ve probably never heard) is like a self-help seminar condensed into three-and-a-half minutes.
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I think Good Will Hunting By Myself (Ludo)definitely deserves to go on this list. Starts out with the lead singer sad about his break up but attempting to be positive, and evolves into a song about how much of a bitch his now ex is. With lyrics such as "Oh and now you're going around trying to sleep with my friends Hey good, that really makes you an empowered individual - no wait, did I say empowered individual? I meant two-cent gutter slut", this song's definitely my anti-valentine choice. Every insult Volpe shouts out makes you want to cheer along, and you find yourself hating the girl who dumped him.