Based on true events

 

That's what I call a groundswell of support.

 

If Team Tim T-Shirts aren't an official addition to the AP merch line within the next fiscal quarter, then it's clear I have no idea what a fiscal quarter is.

(Which is likely.)

 

Honestly, though, it's nice to know so many people would sport a shirt just in the name of keeping my self-confidence at a semi-functional level. Plus, let's face it, those shirts are damn stylish. You'd look like James Bond and shit.

 

However, for those of you hard up to wear a shirt with my visage emblazoned across it, a band that I was once loosely affiliated with back when I was in college put my face on a shirt without my knowledge out of some sort of weird misplaced sense of spite. I think it was supposed to upset me, but I effing love it. I've wanted one for so long. I'd wear one every damn day.

 

Don't believe me?

There it is. Damn that's a handsome shirt.

 

When I tell people about things like this, a good portion of the time, they don't believe me. Music editor Scott Heisel, for one, has been very vocal in what he perceives as a tapestry of lies I weave for no apparent reason.

 

While he's relatively correct, I don't see it as lying. I see it as storytelling. After all, there's a fine line between a writer and a liar. There's also a fine line between the Jim Carrey movie Liar Liar and the new Jim Carrey movie Yes Man. Seriously. Has anyone else noticed this?

Anyway.

 

I figured I would use this opportunity to expose some stories I've told in the past as true or based on true events.

 

1. I wrote obituaries for two and a half years.

Verdict: TRUE

I don't know what anyone would benefit from even imagining this scenario on their own for any sort of gain. This was actually my first "journalism" job, and before you knock it, consider this: Writing obituaries is the best way to learn not to misspell names.

 

 

2. I took a two week class on stunt driving.

Verdict: FALSE

However, I did endure a two-month span in 2002 when I managed to crash three cars. (And I totaled one while parked. Seriously.)

 

 

3. I pissed off a Beastie Boy. And it was the pacifist.

VERDICT: True

I interviewed MCA when he produced a Bad Brains album and when I asked him what was up with the Beastie Boys, he said, "That's not what this interview is about." And I said, "Well, yeah." And he said, "Okay. Bye." And MCA was my favorite Beastie! It wouldn't have stung so much if it were Ad-Rock.

 

 

4. I was the hit of a spoken word poetry open mic night when I told a story about how I'm afraid of Mary Poppins.

Verdict: FALSE

I would never go to a spoken word poetry open mic night. (No offense to poets. Or spoken words.)

 

5. I'm afraid of Mary Poppins.

Verdict: TRUE

There's something particularly chilling about the way she stoically glides through the air on that umbrella, as if it's not the most horrifying thing you'd ever see in real life. This fear has bled into a fear of Julie Andrews, which has in turn, bled into a fear of The Princess Diaries.

 

6. I once worked a construction job for a day where I had to shoot a fire hose at a 25 foot-high mountain of gravel.

Verdict: TRUE

I'm still not even really sure what the point of it was. I'm convinced it was part of some elaborate scientific experiment to see if I would actually do it for 11 hours. I did. But I quit the next day.

 

 

7. I hitchhiked on my way to meet up with Anthony Green for his cover story last summer.

Verdict: SORT OF TRUE

I didn't actively seek out a ride for the two-mile distance between the train station and Anthony's place. But I did jump in the car of a lovely couple who thought I looked particularly pathetic dragging my luggage through Doylestown in the rain.