EVERY TIME I DIE frontman KEITH BUCKLEY waxes cinematic on the more important films of our time—sort of.



STARRING: Tom Hanks, Tawny Kitaen, Adrian Zmed

THE PLOT: Do you want to know the problem with a movie that sacrifices Tom Hanks’ artistic integrity for a two-hour-long gratuitous showcase of ’80s-era boobs? Absolutely nothing. In the single-greatest movie ever made, Hanks plays the bus-driving naer-do-well Rick Gassko who breaks the news to his comrades that in one week he will wed his well-to-do girlfriend Debbie Thompson (Kitaen). To celebrate, Rick’s “girl-crazy” (i.e. rapist) buddies throw him the ultimate bachelor party. What follows is the quintessential training video on how to rage. But do not be fooled by the title of the film; it’s not all butts and pubes. Certainly there are plot twists: For example, Debbie’s smitten ex-boyfriend Cole attempts to sabotage the marriage at the behest of her very own father; Debbie even attempts to sabotage the bachelor party herself; a guy puts his dong in a hot dog bun and serves it to an old lady; and a mule dies from a cocaine overdose. Now, at this point, you may be thinking to yourself, “Whoa, Keith. Start again. That intricate Bunuelian scenario is too much for me to grasp,” and to you, dear reader, I say, “Fear not,” for there is not a single man out there who can watch this film and walk away thinking anything other than, “Did you see the boobs on Rick’s ex-girlfriend Tracey?”

THE POINT: The boobs on Rick’s ex-girlfriend, Tracey. ALT