Every Time I Die frontman Keith Buckley waxes cinematic on the more important films of our time—sort of.


STARS: Hulk Hogan, Christopher Lloyd, Shelley Duvall

THE PLOT: In the same way that Mac And Me was a disturbingly mouthwatering ad for a Big Mac and The Wizard was nothing more than an hour-and-a-half commercial for Nintendo, Suburban Commando is 85 minutes exalting the glory of Hulk Hogans’ swollen lats. Somebody get this man a needle and thread ’cuz he’s ripped! After the control panel on his spaceship malfunctions, Shep Ramsey (Hogan) crash lands in….c’mon, anybody? Anybody? That’s right. California. Requiring at least two weeks worth of time to recharge the empty battery, Ramsey decides to move into a pool house behind the home of Charlie and Jenny Wilcox (Lloyd and Duval) and their two children. Seeing as this was far before the Hollywood Hogan years, what follows is a succession of good deeds that only someone of intergalactic strength (or on terrestrial steroids) could perform. We get it, guys—Hulk Hogan is strong. We got it the first time we saw him spin a car that was setting upside down. I don’t think it moved the plot along any better to watch him throw a street mime onto a roof. Twice. But, what do I know? Anyway, Ramsey inadvertently puts the lives of his new family in jeopardy when two bounty hunters come to eliminate him and he is forced to gauge the strength of his heart versus that of his body in a showdown that will leave you as unmoved as the action that precedes it. He also somehow learns to ride a skateboard and by the end actually does a back flip on one. Like that’s a real move. What a dick.

THE POINT: The point is that this is in God’s hands. Things happen for a reason. I truly believe that God made Hulk Hogan crash his spaceship to make him a better person. And I feel that the tragic and hopeless coma of boredom I was put into after watching this movie will make me a better person. Like I said before, it’s God’s will where we’re at.