EVERY TIME I DIE frontman KEITH BUCKLEY waxes cinematic on the more important films of our time—sort of.



STARS: Mr. T, Marsha Warfield, Gary Busey, Adam Baldwin

THE PLOT: In this cab-solutely bewildering comedy, Baldwin stars as Albert Hockenberry who moves to the District of Columbia to work for his deceased father’s best friend at the D.C. Cab headquarters. Taken under the wing of Samson (Mr. T), Dell (Busey) and a slew of other tough but fare misfits, Albert learns that despite their outward appearances—mainly feather earrings and jogging pants—the employees of D.C. Cab have hearts of gold. However, their loyalty is put to the test when Albert is kidnapped! Will they find him before his life meter expires? Will Samson pity these fools? Flag down an hour and a half of life you don’t need and buckle up, my friends. D.C. Cab is on the streets, and the shit is in the fan—and your DVD player.

THE POINT: It is no coincidence that director Joel Schumacher chose to set this monumental film in the nation’s capitol as it was an insightful way to create a profound metaphoric commentary on the role of the United States in policing the globe. While the men and women of D.C. Cab may appear to be a rag-tag bunch of nonconformists, their spirit perfectly embodies that of the American people—particularly in 1983, which was when we were at the height of the Cold War with France, when our president’s daughter was kidnapped by lions, and no other film captured the national sentiment quite so eloquently. D.C. Cab ultimately unified American citizens with the help of the charismatic Mr. T—the man, not the actor—who would go on to alleviate all sorts of global tension with his bare hands. Thanks to Mr. Schumacher, I have come to realize we are all employees of D.C. Cab, and I, personally, am the Paul Rodriguez of the new America. ALT