EVERY TIME I DIE frontman KEITH BUCKLEY waxes cinematic on the more important films of our time—sort of.



STARS: Dan Aykroyd, Fran Drescher, Howard Hesseman 

THE PLOT: In this hilarious romp filled with racial stereotyping, Aykroyd is a sexually repressed English teacher—redundant, I know—named Cliff Skridlow, who unknowingly becomes a patsy for local pimp Smooth Walker (Hesseman) when his debt to the prostitution kingpin “Mom” becomes too overwhelming. Touting Cliff as a sadistic pimp named “Doctor Detroit,” Smooth bestows onto him not only his debt but four hookers with the longest butts you’ll ever see. So, after getting free weed and a hand job, Cliff makes the rational decision to help save these random hookers from bankruptcy while hoping to maintain his reputation in the collegiate community. Hand jobs will make a man do some crazy things. 

THE POINT: Prostitution isn’t considered America’s oldest profession without due cause. Like any other vocation, prostitutes have stratified their social relevance by organizing unions, donating to charities and giving our children a glimpse of how glamorous it can be to have abusive parents. Doctor Detroit conveys that aside from being horny vessels ridden with disease, women of ill repute can also cook, clean and manipulate old men into marriage. So please, America, next time you take aim with your airsoft rifle at a woman of the night, think, “That whore just might be someone’s cook.” Then fire away. ALT