EVERY TIME I DIE frontman KEITH BUCKLEY waxes cinematic on the more important films of our time—sort of.



STARS: Geena Davis, Jeff Goldblum, Jim Carrey, Damon Wayans, Julie Brown

THE PLOT: At the behest of the Alternative Press staff, this month I’m going to try something a little more unusual than what most of you have come to expect from this column—I’m going to review a movie about aliens that land in Los Angeles. Allow me to save you the time and effort with a brief disclaimer: Despite the overwhelmingly sexual title, you will only see a side-boob. Now that I’ve lost most of my male audience, this movie begins when Valerie (Davis) discovers that her fiance is cheating on her. While tanning her super-long butt the day after she throws him out of the house, her pool is trespassed upon by a spacecraft filled with the horniest aliens in the universe (unless you count the Golden Girls). In an attempt to acclimate them into society, Valerie Nairs™ them completely, only to discover that they resemble three of the most mediocre actors of the near future—Carrey, Waynes and Goldblum. In a perfect example of art imitating life, Valerie falls in love with Mac, played and lived by Jeff Goldblum, who is the creepiest looking individual this side of Melmac and they hump. Hard. When Valerie’s cheating fiance attempts to win her back, Mac does the only thing anyone in California knows how to do—encourage someone they care about to have sex with people they know are bad for them. But Valerie’s heart is true. She decides to leave the planet with Mac so she can be the biggest slut in space.


THE POINT:  Earth girls are easy. But L.A. girls are even easier. ALT