EVERY TIME I DIE frontman KEITH BUCKLEY waxes cinematic on the more important films of our time—sort of.

 

HELL COMES TO FROGTOWN (ANCHOR BAY ENTERTAINMENT, 1987)

STARS: Roddy Piper, Cec Verrell and a dude named RCB. Seriously. Look him up.

THE PLOT: This month, we’re going to play a game where your Uncle Keith is going to review two movies in the meager space provided and it is up to you—the reader—to determine which plot belongs to the cult sci-fi classic Hell Comes To Frogtown and which one is the synopsis of a porn I found in a paper bag near a playground when I was 9.

#1: It’s a sweltering day in the badlands of Montana. Sent out on an archeological dig by the Stonerose Interpretive Center, our main character stumbles across an egg that has been preserved in the Earth’s crust for millions of years. Knowing full well this find ensures financial prosperity, he hides it in his coat and returns home, placing the egg on his nightstand. It isn’t until later that night while our hero is porking his girlfriend that he realizes the dinosaur inside the egg is still alive! 

#2: It’s 10 years after an atomic war, and radiation has turned much of the population into mutants. Those who do remain intact are completely sterile, save for one man. The only problem is that all the fertile women have been kidnapped by the mutants and held for ransom. A team of government agents must sneak their last hope for re-population into enemy territory so he can bang every woman he sees. The mutants, however, have two boners each, so out-sexing his foes proves to be no easy task. In the end, the women are saved, the sex is had, and the acting is terrible.

THE POINT: Okay, pencils down. Movie #1 was the movie in the paper bag. It was called The Bone Age. Movie #2 is the one starring Roddy Piper that I actually sat through without masturbating. However, much like pornography, Hell Comes To Frogtown is 90 minutes spent staring at a bunch of assholes. ALT