The Classics According to Keith - Just One Of The Guys
Every Time I Die frontman Keith Buckley waxes cinematic on the more important films of our time. Sort of.
JUST ONE OF THE GUYS (1985)
STARS : Joyce Hyser, Clayton Rohner, William Zabka
THE PLOT : Before I get started, I have to let it be known that this will be the last installment of “The Classics According To Keith.” So, given that this is the end of a brilliantly insightful and comedic era, I thought long and hard about what movie had an ending as equally triumphant. Then it hit me: Just One Of The Guys. The most perfect ending to any movie I can recall seeing when I was young, and the most appropriate way to wrap up this shit show.
It stars Joyce Hyser as Terry Griffith, a high school journalist who is having problems being taken seriously due to her stunning good looks. In an attempt to prove—as numerous films of the ’80s did—that men are the more accomplished gender, she cuts off her hair and enrolls in a new school as a bizarro Ralph Macchio to document how differently she is treated for an article she plans to write. Apparently all it takes to convince someone you’re a man is to talk like an Italian dude and wear sunglasses.
But then something happens: She falls in love with a boy named Rick (Rohner), who has no idea that his new “buddy” has no dong. But Terry also has a boyfriend in college and must try to keep him oblivious to her moonlighting. Things quickly unravel when Terry’s college boyfriend shows up at the prom and Terry is forced to reveal herself to her true love, Rick. What follows is one of the most epic scenes that a young man could have been—unknowingly—sat in front of by his parents while they went bowling with the Pattersons from work. Terry rips apart her shirt, and for a brief instant, I swear I heard angels singing. Then a single tear fell from my face and, upon landing on my Umbro shorts, almost as if fertilizing previously barren soil, sprouted forth the first of what I would later come to know as an erection.
THE POINT : Much like Joyce Hyser’s breasts to a prepubescent child, this column has enriched your lives beyond your capacity to repay it. Thanks for the ride.
The Classics According To Keith may’ve come to an end, but please stop crying into your ice cream. Mr. Buckley has not gone the way of the buffalo, and he’ll be back next month with a brand spankin’ new column. Stay tuned!
