EVERY TIME I DIE frontman KEITH BUCKLEY waxes cinematic on the more important films of our time—sort of.



STARS: Corey Feldman, Corey Haim, Heather Graham, Uncle Phil from The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air

THE PLOT: The two Coreys star as Dean (Feldman) and Les (Haim), two sexy prepubescent rabble rousers who realize that a drivers license is the only thing (excluding weed) standing between them and popularity. When Les fails his driving exam, his chances of dating dream girl Mercedes (Graham) look slim. That is, until he decides to steal his grandfather’s car, pick her up, get her drunk and allow Dean to take pictures of her boobs while she’s passed out in the back seat. Not since Titanic have I witnessed such beauty. Lo and behold, the car gets trashed in a series of misadventures and the Coreys wear rolled up dinner jackets throughout the entire flick. 

THE POINT: The message that the Coreys so brilliantly impart in this weighty cinematic voyage is that the state mandated exams one must pass before operating a motor vehicle are a flawed method by which to judge the coordination of our nations’ tweens. Consider this film a prepubescent rebel yell to our lawmakers, condemning the overgeneralization that being dangerously irresponsible and underage should restrict you from traveling our complex highways and/or byways. I encourage everyone reading this to write your state legislature and demand there be no set driving age, nor tests required to operate a vehicle. If you are mature enough to know where your parents hide their keys, then you are man or woman enough to take their Chrysler Sebring out for a spin. ALT