EVERY TIME I DIE frontman KEITH BUCKLEY waxes cinematic on the more important films of our time—sort of.

 

MISCHEIF (1985)

STARS: Jami Gertz, Chris Nash, Doug McKeon

THE PLOT: The only thing that 1985 loved more than 2010 was 1954. Some of the most seminal movies I watched growing up took place is this fanciful decade of poodle skirts, reefer madness and popped collars that weren’t synonymous with fratboy douche bags. But a grossly overlooked masterpiece called Mischief has something that Back To The Future doesn’t: Full-frontal nudity. Doug McKeon stars as introverted virgin Jonathan who has dedicated his life to courting teen wet dream Marilyn, played by Kelly Preston. One fateful afternoon, a poor man’s James Dean moves into town by the name of Gene (get it? James plus Dean?) and takes Jonathan under his wing. Now here is the true beauty of this movie. Throughout the 1 hour and 34 minutes of the film, only one piece of advice is written into the script for Gene to bestow upon Jonathan. The key to being cool? Stuff a handkerchief in your pants, because—as Gene puts it—“girls don’t have nuts, so they’re fascinated by them”. Soon, Jonathan is losing his virginity in the most romantic rape scene ever caught on film and Gene, realizing his job in this small town in Ohio is done, hits the road with his girl on the back of his bike. Oh, and Marilyn might be pregnant as a result of the rape.

THE POINT: Girls truly are fascinated by nuts.