The Classics According to Keith - Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Every Time I Die frontman Keith Buckley waxes cinematic on the more important films of our time. Sort of.
TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES (1990)
STARS: Elias Koteas, Sam Rockwell, the voice of Corey Feldman
THE PLOT: This may not be as obscure as some of the movies I’ve reviewed, but I whole-heartedly feel it was the only one left that had men of below-average height in polyurethane costumes, so I needed to review it to close that book. We all know the story: Turtles in the New York City sewers crawl around in radioactive ooze and grow up to speak like Bill and Ted. Why? Because there had to be one tie-in to California or else it wouldn’t be 1990. A rat named Splinter raises the turtles and teaches them karate, which is awesome. Is being a ninja still awesome? I kinda feel like it may not be, which is a damn shame because the only reason I ever even took karate classes when I was little was so I could grow up to be a turtle. I already loved pizza, so it just made sense. Anyway, at the time (and maybe currently) NYC was held captive by a ruthless, maniacal and deadly martial arts master named Shredder who was luring teenage boys into his den of iniquity with video games and cigarettes (sounds like heaven, actually) to raise them to be foot soldiers and terrorize locals by stealing their electronic appliances. Yup. A dude named Master Shredder who has claws and a black belt doesn’t want world domination. Not even local domination. Just shitty TVs and toasters. Well, the turtles kick a little ass, eat a little ’za, one of them has a moment of creepy sexual tension with a woman and they all learn an important lesson. Probably.
THE POINT: Radioactive ooze is fucking awesome. When has it ever done anything other than sweet shit? It made the Ninja Turtles. It made Spider-Man. It made the Toxic Avenger. I suggest that we put all our pets in ooze, and then wait 15 years to see what amazing feats they can pull off. I guarantee my bulldog will be able to run me a bath. I just get that vibe from him.
