The Classics According to Keith - The Ice Pirates
Every Time I Die frontman Keith Buckley waxes cinematic on the more important films of our time. Sort of.
THE ICE PIRATES (1984)
STARS: Robert Urich, Anjelica Huston, Bruce Vilanch
THE PLOT: I was 20 minutes into this penetration-less movie before I realized that it was actually called ICE Pirates. But, since I was already out of the gate, I figured I might as well finish the race, if you know what I mean (thanks to a young, scantily clad Anjelica Huston). The year is the future and, in this preposterously budgeted sci-fi movie that nobody saw, Robert Urich stars as Jason, the head of a gang of ice pirates out to steal any available water once the galaxy has all but completely dried up. It’s not that they need water anymore, mind you—they just want it. Controlling the only known source is an elitist class known as the Templars, to whom Princess Karina (Mary Crosby) once belonged—that is until she discovers that her father had discovered a 7th World, where water flows like, um, water. Pretending to be kidnapped, she tags along with these intergalactic iceholes as they battle robots, a space herpe (yup, one herpe) and some dude played by Bruce Vilanch in order to find the planet and reunite with her father. How does it end? Who knows. The credits roll before the movie is actually over. Hey guys, maybe you shouldn’t have spent $15 million on costumes that Liberace would have found too extravagant. Then you could have afforded more film. Just sayin’.
THE POINT: I’m really sorry, but for the first time ever I am completely stumped. I mean, what could a movie about violent vigilantes looking to take control of a highly profitable and extremely addicting commodity actually be about? Honestly. All the murder of those involved with the processing and distribution of water, and the exploitation of foreign workers in greenhouses where water is made, continues to elude any attempt at interpretation. If anyone out there could please write into this magazine with a theory, I would greatly appreciate it. Again, I’m sorry. This is so unlike me.
