EVERY TIME I DIE frontman KEITH BUCKLEY waxes cinematic on the more important films of our time—sort of.

 

WALK LIKE A MAN (1987)

STARRING > Howie Mandel, Christopher Lloyd, Colleen Camp

 

THE PLOT: This laughter-reducing romp sees Reggie Shand (Lloyd) poised to inherit $30 million of his deceased father’s inheritance under one condition: The youngest sibling Bobo (Mandel) must remain missing until his 30th birthday. You see, 28 years prior, Bobo was pushed out of a sled by his overzealous brother on a routine gold-mining expedition and left for dead. But if you know wolves like I know wolves, they don’t eat just any defenseless and undoubtedly tasty snack that’s thrown their way—they raise it! So with merely two years left until the inheritance stipulation expires, Reggie is sitting pretty until Bobo is miraculously discovered by “wolf scientists” and brought home where he now threatens the economic prosperity of his older brother. What follows is a two-hour Mentos commercial in which the socially inept Bobo shits on—and humps—everything in sight, enraging onlookers until his caretaker pulls the undeniably scrumptious  “raised by wolf” candy, leaving them with no choice but to laugh uncomfortably while some creature ejaculates onto their pants.

THE POINT: In a society where family values have become synonymous with a Korn tour, it’s refreshing to see a movie that stresses the importance of a healthy upbringing. What Walk Like A Man teaches us is that when your parents are money-hungry alcoholics, it’s a blessing to be thrown to wild dogs. Only in America can we see such an inspirational testament to the maternal instincts of everything that isn’t our biological mother. From a neglected child to the most important game show host of our time, Howie Mandel has grown to sniff the ass of America’s heart. To you, Mr. Mandel, we cry in unison, “Deal.” ALT