I’m pretty sure that my all-time, No. 1, most far-fetched dream job (aside from senior Pop Tarts taste tester: S’mores Division) is being a writer for a TV show.
But it’s not like 30 Rock or Breaking Bad ever post openings on Craigslist.

For better or worse, I’m resigned to the fact that watching the Emmys every summer is about as close as I’m ever gonna get to any E! fashion correspondents.

So I think it’s safe to say I watched the 62nd annual Emmys (hosted by Jimmy Fallon) last night with more attention to detail and dejected bitterness than the majority of the viewing audience. Instead of doing what @bunkerton suggested and using the event as an opportunity to talk about my favorite shows about bands, I decided to come up with my own categories, nominees and winners based on the actual ceremony itself. (Spoiler alert: everyone loves Mad Men and Modern Family; nobody but me and three other people give a shit about Lost anymore.)

And let’s get this out there right off the bat: If it were up to me, I would award The Office’s Jenna Fischer every trophy there is from Best Actress In A Comedy to the National League Cy Young Award. Sadly, she wasn’t even there on camera ever.

ACTRESS AWARDED AN EMMY MOST BASED ON A PRIOR ROLE:
Edie Falco (Best Actress, Comedy; Nurse Jackie)
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We get it. The Sopranos was a sweet show. Back when it was on the air, the Emmys ran out of accolades for it and started giving awards to its extras and catering crew. Now that it’s gone, who says that means you can’t keep giving people awards for it—even if they’re now on a show that nobody knows exists? In her acceptance speech for best lead actress in a comedy series (over the likes of the deserving Tina Fey and Amy Poehler), Falco admitted she wasn’t funny and called it the biggest injustice in the history of the Emmys. (It should be noted that this was true until an hour later when the Academy honored the end of Lost by having Jimmy Fallon imitate Green Day’s Billie Joe Armstrong.)

ELDERLY ACTRESS MOST OVERUSED FOR A CHEAP LAUGH:
Betty White
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I’m not exactly sure how this happened. But I guess thanks to an appearance on SNL and that commercial where she gets tackled in a pickup football game, last Golden Girl standing Betty White has become Hollywood’s “It” Girl. Now that she’s snatched the bankable role of “inappropriately sex-obsessed grandma” from Cloris Leachman, White was in the Emmys opening sketch, a couple other bits throughout the show, commercials for her guest appearance on Community and a movie trailer where she plays—guess—an inappropriately sex-obsessed grandma. And just when you thought it was all over and White had long since been tucked into bed, the last line of the show was Jimmy Fallon shouting, “after-party at Betty White’s house.” Suck it, Ashley Greene.

WORST EMMY PRODUCTION IDEA:
Backstage commentary by the PC guy
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Votes for this make-believe category in my frontal lobe were close. This award could have easily gone to the behind-the-scenes split-screen stupidity or to whoever decided to ask nominees a question to which they submitted cheesy, taped responses (minus two actually funny ones). But nope. The worst idea of the night was having John Hodgman (from The Daily Show and those Mac commercials) provide “backstage commentary” about winners as they walked to the stage. Not only was it almost impossible to hear him over the crowd and orchestra, but (like everything else written for the show) it was painfully unfunny and a feeble attempt at self-referential humor. All it did was subliminally make me wanna buy a Mac even more.

NOMINATION MOST INDICATING THAT EMMY VOTERS ARE CLUELESS:
Wanda Skykes (Best writing variety show; Wanda Skyes: I’ma Be Me)
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Oof. Have you seen this stand up special? Actually, have you ever seen Wanda Sykes in any of her immediately canceled or soon-to-be-canceled TV shows? With jokes about Michael Jackson and Sarah Palin, you can tell that she’s constantly suppressing the desire to reference Monica Lewinsky. Clearly, George Lopez  and YouTube sensation Fred will be frontrunners in this category next year.

WIN MOST INDICATING THAT EMMY VOTERS ARE CLUELESS:
Jim Parsons (Best Actor, Comedy; The Big Bang Theory)
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At least Sykes didn’t win. This guy (who seems to have stolen the DNA of French Stewart for some reason) beat out Steve Carell, Larry David and Alec Baldwin for best lead actor in a comedy. A guy from The Big Bang Theory. And from what I can tell, the most annoying one.

MOST UNNECESSARY CAMEO:
Kim Kardashian
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Please stop putting her on camera. If we all believe she isn’t real, she can’t hurt us.

MOST SURREAL MOMENT:
Dr. Jack Kevorkian standing up for an ovation during Al Pacino’s win for You Don’t Know Jack
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Between 1990 and 1998, Dr. Kevorkian assisted in the deaths of more than 130 terminally ill patients. When the media (and courts) found out back then, Kevorkian was widely regarded on the same level as some amalgamation of the Unabomber, Hannibal Lecter and the Grinch Who Stole Christmas. But after eight years in jail, he apparently became something of a folk hero and now he’s getting thanked at the Emmys by Al Pacino. Look, I’m not saying I side either way on the Kevorkian case. I’m just saying that we’re about six years away from Danny Glover thanking O.J. Simpson at the Golden Globes.

MOMENT MOST DEPICTING THE FUTILITY OF LIFE:
In Memoriam montage
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You work all your life to create some sort of legacy, and for most people, that’s sort of an intangible, nebulous thing to measure. But for people in show business, your lifetime of work can be and is judged after your death in the same way that middle school battle of the bands are decided: Through a round of applause. Sorry, producer of groundbreaking mini-series Roots. You were apparently no Gary Coleman.