Stage diving, if done correctly, can improve the concert experience for everyone involved: the band, the audience and of course, the stage diver. However, as we all know, this is hardly ever the case. Reckless stage divers are a hazard to you. Identify the threat early when you see one coming so you can try to avoid the inevitable shoe in the face.
The Stage Potato
Stage Potatoes linger around for way too long. You’re not there to join the band: When stage diving, spend as little time as possible cramping the band’s style by getting up and getting out.
Jack had to be nimble when he was jumping over the candlestick, as do you when crossing over the stage area. Tripping on cords or bumping into someone could mean a major hiccup in the performance and easily result in you taking a retaliation blow. High knees and shoes tied, please.
The Selfie Taker
We get it: You’re stoked to be onstage and want to grab a pic. However, the singer (and other band members) are actually pretty busy shredding up the stage, so they aren’t about to be eager to have you throw an arm around them and pose for Snapchat. Save the photo ops for the meet ‘n’ greets by the bus.
The Not Weight Watcher
Now, I say this as a pretty burly man myself: we need to pick and choose our stage dive moments, maybe wait it out for the nights with a full crowd. Also, be conscious of your landing zone and try to match up with some people that are ready, willing and able. You don’t want to be that big drunk idiot jumping on a bunch of preteens in the front row.
The Pathfinder is a stage diver who repeatedly hits the same trajectory, and therefore people. Give your poor landing cushion a break and try switching up the flight path.
The Repeat Offender
Fun is fun, but know your limit and play within it. Stage diving repeatedly is a quick way to piss everyone off; I’ve seen people get their clocks cleaned for less. Again, it’s important to gauge the situation—if the crowd wants more, give it to them. But bands tend to get irritated quicker when they see the same bodies brush past more than a few times.
The Dumpster Diver
You know what the best thing about deodorant is? When other people are wearing it. A stage diver with strong body odor and overly active sweat glands can be your worst nightmare, requiring an immediate trip to the bathroom or closest hand sanitizing station post-show.
The Head Walker
Head Walkers are the lowest of the low. This form of crowd killing sees douchebags hopping off the stage and trying to get as far as they can into the crowd by running on the tops of people’s heads—extremely painful for the recipient of the Nike haircut. I myself had a run in with some of these fellers at a Grave Maker show back in ’09—real nasty business.
Come on, don’t be that guy (or girl). Read the room and always look before you dive!