Movie Review: Piranha 3D
HORROR-COMEDY
PIRAHNA 3D (Dimension Films)
STARS > Steven R. McQueen, Elisabeth Shue, Adam Scott, Ving Rhames, Jerry O’Connell, Christopher Lloyd, Jessica Szohr
DIRECTOR > Alexandre Aja
RATING > [4/5]
OPENS > AUG 20
There will be those who dismiss Piranha 3D as a travesty of modern filmmaking, a parody of a parody (which it is, technically), a shoulda-been-straight-to-DVD shit-show loaded with huge tits and gratuitous gore and absolutely no redeeming social value whatsoever. And who knows? They might even be right. But they’re also too busy huffing their own farts to recognize a future cult classic when they see one. As a very loose remake of 1978’s Piranha, which was directed by Joe Dante (Gremlins, The Howling) and itself a parody of Jaws, Piranha 3D hits all the right notes. Self-aware comedy? Check. Brutally inventive gore? Check. Genuine, jump-outta-your-seat moments perpetuated by insanely fast, insanely vicious flesh-eating fish? Check and check. Plus there’s a brilliantly overacted cameo by Christopher Lloyd. All in rip-roaring 3D, no less.
The story, as if it really mattered, goes like this: When an underwater earthquake releases a ravenous swarm of prehistoric piranha into Lake Victoria in the middle of the annual spring-break boozefest/dance party/wet T-shirt contest, the town sheriff (Shue) and her deputy (Rhames) attempt to save thousands of red-faced frat goons and drunken sorority sluts from the inevitable feeding frenzy. Meanwhile, the sheriff’s son Jake (McQueen) is on a pleasure boat “scouting locations” on the far side of the lake with sleaze mogul Derrick Jones (an excellently self-absorbed Jerry O’Connell in a role inspired by Girls Gone Wild power-douche Joe Francis) and a couple of bikini bimbos played by British Playboy bunny Kelly Brook and porn star Riley Steele—perhaps you remember her from the recent XXX feature Riley Steele: Bar Pussy. Or not. (Ms. Steele isn’t the only porno princess who makes an appearance in Piranha 3D, by the way. Ashlynn Brooke plays a cheerleader while Gianna Michaels… well… let’s just say there’s a topless parasailing scene that ends very, very badly.) As Derrick’s girls perform a hilarious underwater ballet—naked, of course—the waterfront quickly descends into a blood-tide of bare-chested carnage during which hundreds of nubile inebriates are dismembered, eaten alive and/or otherwise killed in a dizzying array of grisly methods.
Simultaneously ridiculous and awesome, Piranha 3D revels in horror clichés while reinvigorating them, aptly references its ferocious-fishy roots (Richard Dreyfuss’ short-lived presence exists purely as a nod to Jaws) and puts the gratuity back in gratuitous nudity. Credit director Alexandre Aja, who previously helmed High Tension and the 2006 remake of The Hills Have Eyes, for knowing that too much is—in this case—actually just enough. Easily excited types might even say that this flick is destined to be the Evil Dead 2 (or at least the Dead Alive) of the new decade. That’s what we’re thinking, anyway. And just like the snobs who will doubtlessly take a huge, steaming dump on Piranha 3D, we might not be wrong.
