[Red Fang is currently out on an American tour with Mastodon and Dillinger Escape Plan. Their longtime roadie, Chris Coyle, will be bringing us diaries from the road for the next several weeks. Check out the dates here.]

Okay, we got a lot of ground to cover, so let’s get to it:

Indianapolis, IN 11/17/11

Yeah, this really happened. Barney the fucking purple dinosaur was doing a show in the same building. I know what you're thinking, and the answer is yes, he does have really good weed. (Just kidding Barney’s lawyers, I have no idea what his weed is like.)

Pittsburgh, PA 11/18/11

There was a time when I’d take notes about what happened in every city so I could remember any funny shit that went down. This was not one of those times.

New York, NY 11/19/11

1,800 people in the door before the boys went on. 1,800! Now, I’m no mathamagician but that’s almost a million.
Aaron got so excited that his pants broke out in a thick brown sweat:

Philadelphia, PA 11/20/11

This is our old friend Paula:

She’s a total badass. She’s played bass in Whipped, Tourette’s Lautrec and a bunch of other bitchin’ bands, she’s one of the founding members of Camp Fantasy, a world traveler, has beat the big C and is now a lawyer. She took us out for an amazing dinner. We insisted on paying ourselves but she wouldn’t hear of it—so we ordered another round of drinks.

Boston, MA 11/21/11

So after the show we get a hotel outside of town and I notice a CVS across the street. This is great news because my dogs have been barking for the last couple days, that is to say, my feet were killing me. That and there were a couple nose hairs that were making it look like a tarantula was half-hanging out of my face. So I tell everyone the plan and make for the door, at which point the orders start flying. Hot Pockets for Aaron, microwave burrito for John… This is all fine until I realize that there is a seven-foot high fence dividing six lanes of traffic between me and the goods.

Not to be discouraged I summon all the shit I learned from watching the Rambo series over and over again and scale that bad boy, surprisingly with the crotch of my Levi’s still intact.

Once inside the store it’s a blood bath, I’m buying junk food I have never heard of just because it’s there. I end up with almost fifty dollars worth of crap. Now it’s time to figure out how to get it back over the fence. I tie the bags to the fence and try to get a running start at it but a bunch of cars come. So now I’m stuck just staring across three lanes of traffic at all the snacks, hoping that a cop doesn’t drive by and see me staring at a bunch of plastic bags on a fence. My homeless look is already to the point where I have been given change on street corners before, so this could be drunk tank time.

I finally make it over and back to the room, come busting in the door, ready for my hero's welcome, and everyone was asleep.

Burlington, VT 11/22/11

Let it be known that the staff at Higher Ground rule. If you ever make it in there, tell ‘em we sent you and you want a hitman. (We are not responsible for any DUIs or dry cleaning bills after said drink).

Montreal, QC 11/23/11

The hotel we stayed in advertised a bar, which it did have, kinda. There was a physical bar, but that’s about where it ended. There was a locked beer cooler, where certain beers we not beer:

And a flat screen fireplace:

Which is pretty fancy—but not what we were banking on. Don’t get me wrong, we still drank there…

Ottawa, ON 11/24/11

I had this whole thing about Thanksgiving in Canada planned out, but those last two took a lot out of me, so, yeah.

Toronto, ON 11/25/11

Since the last “on the road how-to” went over so well with one whole response I figured I’d keep it going with a little something we call “Bag ‘O Salad.”

Step one: Throw some salad in a bag.

Step two: add dressing

Step three: Shake.

Step four: Dig in. If you want to get all fancy you can pour it on to a plate and use a fork, but we keep it real.


Tour To Live!