[Red Fang is currently out on an American tour with Mastodon and Dillinger Escape Plan. Their longtime roadie, Chris Coyle, will be bringing us diaries from the road for the next several weeks. Check out the dates here.]

Chicago, IL. 11/11/11

What the hell did happen in Chicago? It must have been a good one because I have no photos or memory of anything.

Milwaukee, WI. 11/12/11

What in Paul’s bunion did John do to make the photo look like this? Does he have a “Gary Busey’s brain” setting on that thing or what? Wait! We were trying to figure out why our green room looked as if Keith Richards’ interior decorator got hold of some bad E:

Maybe the entire club was cloaked in Timothy Leary’s ghost.
On mushrooms.

Sauget, IL. 11/13/11

I wish that we were a crappy art rock band so that I could just put up this photo I took of the power plant behind the club and write a poem about the bands dark brooding feelings.

All the while twirling the end of my scarf with my fingerless glove-clad, imported cigarette-clutching fingers. You would be able to feel the angst we harbored towards our parents for not getting us leather seats in the Lexus we got for high school graduation in every line. It would be deep!

But on the high side instead of a bunch of kids worrying about if their hair is sitting across their face just right, I get this:

Kansas City, MO. 11/14/11

Sometimes on the road you miss the little things. I mean sure, you could spend your whole time out living like a brute. But there are times when you want to class it up a little, you know, live on the nice side of the tracks, if only for a second—times when you want a little refinement. Here’s how we do it;

1) Throw your finest bottle of Jåger on handful of ice cubes taking that bad boy from “next to the van floor heater vent” hot to a tasty “tepid.”

2) Clean the fingernail scrapings and burrito clingins off your pocketknife.

3) Pour out a bottled water (never drink it, only poor people get dehydrated) and get a paper plate.

4) Using your knife, cut a water bottle in half and put two wholes in the plate big enough to hold the plastic goblets.

5) After placing the goblets into the plate, fill your chalices with some vintage ‘Meister. It should now look something like this:

All that’s left to do is take off your top hat, find your closest chum and get classy.

Detroit, MI. 11/15/11

Our long time friend Michael Illick happened to be in Detroit while we were there and even though he couldn’t make the show he took the time to come back and do an amazing portrait of John on one of his drumheads.

I know, right? It’s like an HD photo of him! Never has anyone, with just a Sharpie and a blank canvas laid down such a perfect likeness of another human. You know what it’s like? It’s kinda like that shroud they wrapped Jebus in and his face got burned into it. If he had a real crappy mustache.


Tour To Live!

P.S. If for some reason you like what you’re reading there is pages of this crap at http://redfangband.blogspot.com/