waterparks awsten knight alternative press cover
[Photo by: Ashley Osborn]

’Twas the summer of July 2018 (AP 359, to be exact) where we had Waterparks front-dude Awsten Knight on the spot for our 10 Topics section. In typical Awsten-form, there was no subject too glad, mad, bad or sad for him to cringe at or avoid outright. Jason Pettigrew smiled the whole time.

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THE THINGS YOU HOARD.

I have this golden goblet—you know, like a fancy cup—and it’s filled with fingernails and fortune cookie fortunes. I would send you a picture of it, but I wouldn’t want anybody to throw up. [Pauses.] Do you still want a picture of it?

THE MOST HATED BAD HABIT YOU SEE IN OTHERS.

That’s hard. [Pauses.] When they don’t follow me on Twitter. It’s like, the worst.

DEFINE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH JAWN [ROCHA] THE PHOTOGRAPHER.

Basically, I’m a very caring mother, father, uncle and life adviser, and he’s just this messy little kid who, like, shits in his hands. I’m basically like his life coach. [Jawn yells from other side of the room, "We’re friends, print that.”] There’s a mutual respect there, especially when I wake him up in the morning, when I throw shit at his window—or myself at his window. I’m a really good friend, and he’s a really bad friend.

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THE MOST OBNOXIOUS THING YOU’VE PUT ON A BURGER.

Thing is, I’m not about condiments and shit. I guess the most out-there would be this place in L.A. called The Counter. It’s so tight. I got this Hawaiian roll bun kind of thing, and then I got some turkey on the burger then a fried egg, some lettuce, some weird sauce like a teriyaki something-something.

MAKING YOUR CAT INTERNET FAMOUS.

Dude, that wasn’t even the goal! She’s a star. I think half the videos on my phone are of her laughing at me. Right now, she’s actually walking back and forth past me and seeing if my eyes are following her.

THE NEXT CHAPTER OF YOUR “HAIR-A.”

I couldn’t tell you that! That’s a full plan, though. I’ve got the next five things. I just can’t give away the story. I’ve got cuts and colors already decided—I’ve planned ahead. I’m going to be spacing them out between the next four or five years. My plan has been the same since 2015, and only one detail has changed in the three years of me having this plan. And that hasn’t even happened yet, so it’s not like something was affected.

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THE MOST HATED WORD OR PHRASE IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE.

I hate a lot of words. I really hate the word “haggle.” It sounds so gross to me. That’s my least favorite. My favorite is “applicable,” because I like saying it as “a-PLIK-a-bul” and not “AP-plik-a-bul.” There’s a lot of dirty words, but I can’t use them. I can say, “Jawn’s a pussy,” but I can’t use the word to describe…that. I can’t do it, you know what I mean? I hate the word “cock,” too. Oh fuck, I said it, auuugh! I hate the word “meal.” It makes me feel weird.

WHO WOULD YOU GIVE BAND ADVICE TO?

Dude, everybody! I’m so into marketing. Here’s the thing: I was bullied so much, that I am very self-aware. That was the plus-side that came from that, being shat on in junior high and high school. And I feel a lot of band guys are insecure. Everybody has been either cool for too long or cool for no reason, and they lose their self-awareness, and it makes them do lame things, say lame things or put out lame things. If a band came to me—especially if it was one I’m friends with—and said, “What do you think we should be doing different,” I’d be like, “I got you. Here we go.” But you can’t just give that advice because then you look like a dick. It’d be like, “Look at your promos: Why is he wearing a vest, you’re wearing that weird T-shirt and why’s he dressed like Van Helsing and shit?” If a band came to me and said, “evaluate us,” I could fucking do it.

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AWSTEN KNIGHT’S PLANS FOR 2025.

That’s pretty far away. You know what? I’m going to have a house. I’ll probably have a kid by then because I don’t want to be the oldest dad in the world. I’ll probably do something fucked-up like scuba diving, which will end up killing me at some point, but I’ll need new hobbies that aren’t music-related by then. I’m going to have a Grammy. I’m going to be on Kidz Bop. Going to have a dog, a standard poodle shout-out. Dude, I wonder if I’ll be married then? That’d be cute. What else…I’d be better at piano. [A[Away from chat.]em> Jawn, you plan on being alive by 2025? Geoff’s [W[Wigington, guitarist]oing to die by then because he’s too good for the world, and everything that is good goes away. That was dark. Having a shoe would be cool. Put out some books. Just do the shit.

THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED.

Two days ago, I rewatched the episode of The Office where Michael was leaving. I was watching it at my parents’, but I would never show emotion in front of them. So I moved my head when I was watching it because I was kind of teary. [Laughs.]span>

IF HE’S ALWAYS 500,000 SCREAMING WATTS OF AWSTEN KNIGHT.

Yes. Sometimes it’s on the outside, sometimes it’s on the inside. If it’s not happening on the outside, I’ll be hearing it in my head. And let me tell you, it is not exhausting. Fuk’n italicize that “not.”