Like many fans and musicians, rapper Lil Xan was heavily affected by the death of fellow artist Mac Miller Friday morning. Xan discussed Miller’s impact on him and his own sobriety on Adam22’s podcast No Jumper.
He attended Miller’s final show last Monday at the Hotel Cafe in Los Angeles where he says he looked good and told him he’s “the reason [he’s] even rapping.” Miller told Xan to “be safe” as the latter left the show, which was their final exchange.
The rapper referred to Miller as his “hero” as he related to him throughout his album cycles as they went through many of the same things. While Lil Peep and others’ passings also affected him, he didn’t show it as publicly as he did with Miller. The backlash he received from showing his emotions on an Instagram live heavily troubled him.
“Every comment on my livestream video was, ‘You’re next,’” Xan says. “[It was] every comment—there’s no love, so that’s why I’m not doing music after I finish my contract with Columbia. Columbia can go fuck themselves.”
Xan also discussed all of the drama surrounding Columbia and his breakup with Noah Cyrus, which resulted in a lot of he said-she said commentary regarding the reason behind the split.
“It was going good at first, like the whole plan,” he says. “I’ll set the record straight: There was a plan. It was like a thing. We’re both signed to Columbia, and we just wanted to help each other out as artists, and that’s just what the label does.”
When asked if they just wanted the duo to be on a song together and not actually date, Xan claims Columbia first “gave [him] the option,” but that they did have the start of a relationship just prior to the label suggesting it.
Xan says he doesn’t want beef with Cyrus or her family, but neither of them were telling the whole truth during the breakup, and “at the end of the day, it was pretty staged.”
“I’m just going to come clean for the record; the real shit is we both were lying,” he says. “It was a mixture of both of us. It’s not one person was the holy one and one is the devil. I lied about shit, she lied about shit.”
Read more: Musicians remember Mac Miller
In addition to his public breakup, Xan discussed being devastated by the overdose deaths and a hope to make his real name Diego his stage name. Xan also expressed this on TRL earlier this year shortly after Peep’s passing and delved into it again on No Jumper.
“I feel like I want to get sober now, like completely sober, but it’s so hard, bro, like so fucking hard,” he explains. “I want to be off of everything. I just want to feel [like] a normal person.”
While Xan has never gone to rehab previously despite a previous opportunity, he suggests that he would go now if he didn’t already have prior commitments.
“If I didn’t have a tour coming up, I would be in rehab right now,” he says. “I just can’t. I’m just tired of feeling this way. If rehab might help or detox, I’m down for any type of help.”
Check out the full podcast below.